Your teenager: an owner's manual

Technical glitch no. 3 (aka A+B=Huh?)
Your 17-year-old son has just missed his shift at work -- again. His room is a mess, his homework is undone, and he hasn't completed any chores. You've had countless summit talks about the importance of responsibility, but he doesn't seem to get it.

Programming issue:
You remember how long one minute seemed during algebra class. Scientists believe that time really does seem to creep for teens. It also has less meaning to them. Five minutes from now, tomorrow or "when you are an adult" all exist in another dimension that has nothing to do with them, right here, right now. Given this, teens really do struggle to make the connection between cause and effect. So while your son may care very much about getting fired, he is too busy living in the moment to follow through
on his best intentions.

Tips for returning your teen to optimal functioning:
If your teen is impulsive or has difficulty completing projects, keeping commitments or even following multistep instructions, his incomplete sense of time may be at the root. Also know that when he responds with, "I'll do it later," he might as well have said, "When I'm 64."

Step 1: You can help him deal with real-world time by encouraging his use of agendas, checklists and visual cues (for example, if he leaves his textbook on his bed, he'll remember to study before lights out).

Step 2: When giving instructions, make them short and simple ("Please bring in the groceries now. Thanks. Now empty the dishwasher").

Step #3: He has to learn to accept responsibility. One way he may learn is if he gets fired from his summer job, so don't interfere. His bruised pride will remind him to toe the line on his next job.

Read our tips for helping teens find part-time jobs.

Technical glitch no. 4 (aka Everybody Hates Me!)
Your once outgoing daughter turned 15 and poof -- she disappeared! In her place is this changeling: a shy and withdrawn creature who hides behind a veil of hair and mumbles that she's a freak and everyone hates her. You're perplexed and you miss your
happy-go-lucky kid.

Programming issue:
Believe it or not, your daughter's behaviour indicates that her brain development is right on track and she is capable of more abstract thought. With this comes new questions about herself and the world, such as Who am I? What do I believe? Where do I fit in? As she struggles to come to terms with her own identity, she naturally becomes more concerned with how others regard her. No wonder your daughter wants to hide -- while she is critically examining herself, she imagines others are judging her just as harshly.

Add another fact: teen brains are lousy at interpreting others' emotions. In experiments done at McLean Hospital in Boston, Dr. Deborah Yurgelun-Todd showed both teens and adults pictures of faces displaying common expressions such as fear. The adults were able to correctly identify the emotion 100 per cent of the time. Only about half of the teens were able to do so, which explains why they are likely to misread people. So when your already self-conscious kid tries to assess what people think of her, guess what? She gets it wrong. Her teachers "hate" her, her classmates think she's a "dork," and you -- yes, you, loving parent -- disapprove of "everything" she does. Who wouldn't want to be invisible?

Tips for returning your teen to optimal functioning:
Help your daughter through this transition by being what Ron Clavier, a psychologist and author of Teen Brain, Teen Mind, calls an "honest mirror."

Step 1: Gently show her what is and isn't true about herself. If she thinks others see her as stupid, remind her that she has insightful things to say about current events and is a B+ student. You can also discuss the research that shows she may be misreading common social cues.

Step 2: Advise her not to jump to conclusions. Remind her that as her brain completes its development, she will naturally improve at understanding the people around her and herself.

Step 3: Let her know she's not alone; virtually every other teen feels
the same way.

Read about 5 great places to volunteer with your teen.

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