Accentuate the positive

What tapes do your children play in their heads? How do they talk to themselves? Does your son give himself credit and take pride in his accomplishments? Or does he downplay his successes and dismiss them by saying that he was just lucky? Does your daughter get totally discouraged when she receives low marks on a test or is rejected by a friend? Or does she quickly bounce back and tell herself that she can do better next time? How does she talk to herself when she's facing a new challenge?

The messages that children repeat to themselves influence how they feel and how they perform in school, in social situations, or in sports -- in all aspects of life. These messages reflect the child's self-image, whether positive or negative, and her outlook on life. As they turn eleven or twelve years old, many young girls begin to feel the limits that social patterning imposes on their expectations. Parents need to counter this feeling by ensuring their daughter knows they want her to set goals for herself that reflect her own interests, goals she feels she can achieve in spite of external limitations.

Encouragement and criticism
The way that your son talks to himself is influenced by many factors: his self-image, his self-esteem, his temperament, his ability to meet challenges and do things well in life, and the way that you praise and criticize him or his behaviour. You have an important effect, too, on how your daughter talks to herself by the way you respond to her views about herself. If your six-year-old has difficulty with steps in her ballet class and says, "I'll never be a good dancer," don't tell her she's the best dancer in the whole class, but don't just say to try harder. Instead, practise with her to encourage her. Praise her when she improves. She may soon say that she's having fun and has become so good at practice that she wants to take a more advanced class.

One child who, by objective standards, does several things well but whose parents constantly criticize him and tell him to do even better may become highly self-critical, riddled with doubts, and constantly put himself down. Another child who has less natural ability but whose parents praise his successes and encourage him to learn from his mistakes might continue to try hard, and he may enjoy lots of successes and learn from his failures. That child is likely to create an internal audiotape on which he talks to himself as a coach and cheerleader, repeating the comments of his parents.

Teaching positive self-talk doesn't mean that you teach your child to ignore reality. No child believes praise that isn't genuine; nor does false praise help your child develop the problem-solving skills or achieve the positive successes that serve as touchstones for pep talks to himself.

What do you say to your twelve-year-old when he complains that he's "a loser" because he received only an honourable mention at the Science Fair when he had his heart set on winning a first place? Congratulate him on his honourable mention and praise him for his hard work. Remind him that his project was ranked better than those of many other students. Ask him if he knows why the first place entry won. Encourage him to talk about how he might do better next time.

Look for those qualities, strengths, and accomplishments that you can encourage, and praise them in such a way that your child understands. Help him to verbalize and value his own strengths. Your positive feedback and constructive guidance for improvement, lightened with humour, are what helps your child learn to assess his own performance realistically and develop a strong, positive sense of self that is grounded in reality. The key is to make room for feelings. You don't have to solve all problems, but your empathy for what your child is experiencing is worth a lot to him.