Coping with a toddler's behaviour

Behaving appropriately
What's appropriate behaviour for a toddler is often very strange behaviour for a parent to understand. When you're in a battle of wills with a tiny person who is determined, for example, to not put on his snowsuit despite the zero-degree weather, it's easy to question why your child is compelled to exhibit some of these behaviours at this stage in his development. But the opposition of children in this age group is all about self-identity, something that your ornery toddler is working very hard to establish.

At this age, your child begins to see himself as a distinct and separate person. For all his short life, he has been completely dependent on you and other caregivers -- a baby is not aware of himself as an individual separate from his mother or primary caregiver. But this awareness develops in the second year of life as he becomes more self-sufficient and independent.

He can feed himself, he can walk, he can speak. He wants to know more about himself and see what else he can do. Can he make the VCR work? Can he flush the toilet? Your child wants to try everything and will complain loudly when you stop him. Around eighteen months, he may begin to say No! to almost every request, not because his personality has suddenly changed, but because he wants to show you that he's becoming his own person, with a separate identity and individual needs and wants.

As your toddler begins her second year, she gradually discovers that she really isn't the centre of the universe and that's a frightening and frustrating revelation. Your child wants to be in control and have things done her way. She is annoyed at having to follow rules, and she's frustrated that she can't make her body do all the things that she wants to do.

By this point, she has had a bit of practice at being her own person and she might dislike being told not to do what she feels like doing, or not to eat what she feels like eating. As you put more demands on your toddler to follow rules and routines, you will often find yourself in face-offs over everything -- from getting dressed in the morning to not playing with the telephone. You need to allow her to do as much for herself as she can and go at her own pace at least some of the time. But you also need to set clear limits and gently remind her when you must take charge. Tell her, "You can't go outside without your snowsuit, but you can pick which pair of mitts you want to wear,"

In spite of their opposition to everything and their need for control, toddlers are very teachable. Your child will imitate your activities around the house as well as your mannerisms and your spoken expressions -- so watch what you say! You may gain unflattering insights into your own speech and behaviour through this little mimic. Children's language skills increase rapidly in this period, and their unique personalities start to blossom. Your toddler absorbs knowledge and experiences so fast that she will constantly amaze and entertain you with her newfound skills and abilities to communicate.