Understanding preschool behaviour

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Behaving appropriately
As your child moves through her third year, she has better verbal skills to say what she wants and express how she feels, which should reduce her frustration so that she doesn't resort to tantrums to communicate. But the improved verbal skills may seem like a mixed blessing to a parent on the receiving end of the communication. A preschooler with a better memory and stronger verbal skills is persistent about what she wants, whether it's a snack right after lunch, a treat at the grocery-store checkout, or a visit with her new friend down the street even if it's 6:30 in the morning.

Distracting her won't work as well now and, although you've told her No, you may find her quite adept at arguing her point of view over and over, in an annoying high-pitched voice. When she starts to whine or wheedle this way, tell her that you won't listen until you hear her "big girl" voice, then tune her out. When she talks to you in a normal voice again, give her lots of attention. If you find that she often whines, consider whether she is getting enough sleep -- when children are tired, they're often more whiny.

A growing conscience
Because your child's imagination is such a powerful force within him, he will sometimes mix fantasy with reality and tell wild stories. You might become concerned that your child is "lying," but a preschooler can't yet understand what "truth" is. That will come between his sixth and eighth birthdays. Don't punish your child or try to make him feel guilty for telling stories. But do explain the difference between his version and reality. Let him know that sometimes telling stories hurts people and that it is always better to tell the truth.

By the time your preschooler is four, he'll begin to be interested in pleasing you -- which will no doubt please you! This is the beginning of a developing conscience. Your child will start to understand how his behaviour affects what others feel about him. He learns about being a friend and about what happens when he does something that makes another person feel happy or feel hurt. And if you displease him, you might hear, "I'm not your friend anymore!" You may also become more conscious of being a role model for your child. As he grapples with how to treat his new friends, how to decide what is the truth, or how he should behave when he's angry, he'll watch you closely for pointers.

As your child becomes more interested in what you think, your praise becomes a stronger tool for moulding her behaviour. But you still need to set limits and enforce rules with consistency. The mechanics of how you discipline your child will evolve as she grows -- the rules will change and the consequences of breaking them will change. But the goal of your discipline won't change: you want to teach your child your values and morals.

It's good to remember what you're trying to achieve when you discipline your child. You're not trying to teach him to follow orders, to do whatever he's told as soon as he's told. Instead, you're teaching your child to take responsibility for his behaviour, to care for and respect others, to manage his anger, to develop self-discipline, to embrace life and all its opportunities. That kind of teaching is going to take a long time -- about another 10 or 15 years, on average.

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