Is it me?

[screamin_me]

After having a near relationship-ending episode last month, my partner and I are getting back on track.
I've had a few failed relationships and have been a little weary of opening up and communicating my feelings, needs and wants. In the past, this has always lead to hardships and conflict and I thought that with this last realationship, I would take a different approach, to see if it was me or what. After 2 years, I realized that we need to talk about things and more than just occassionally; on his end, he realized he needed to grow up and be more mature about the way he deals with issues and not to always jump on the defensive whenever we have a dissagreement.
He's really loving and attentive and wants things to work between us, and I believe 100% that he loves me. He's proven it in the way he's worked to change the way he goes about things, etc. It's wonderful to see the other person respond positively when you ask for change, and loves you enough that he's willing to do it. That's real love.

On my end, I've had feelings of uneasiness and anxiety. I think he senses this. I am gettng what I asked for... so what's my problem? I don't want to be with anyone else, I love him very much, don't feel like there's someone better out there either, so what's my problem?

Every boyfriend Ive had in the past always had the same characteristic; they always seem worried about me, in the sense that they seem unable to relax and feel like I'm not going anywhere, that I was too independant. It didn't matter what I did to try and convince them, they never seemed to relax and believe me, and trust me. It's almost like they think I'm ready to leave at a moment's nottice. They seem compelled to cling or seem really insecure, like they need to continually check to make sure I'm still going to be there when they get home.
I'm not much of a talker to begin with, am a pretty quiet and introverted thinker, and only share when I have something to say. Most of the time, I'm content to watch and listen. I have been told that I have a calming effect on people, so I thought this was a positive thing and nothing to worry my partner.

Is this what I project? I have one foot in, the other out? I don't understand why they sense this from me, but it always seems to be there, no matter what relationship I was in, including this one. Is it me or what?

[hoarsy8]

I just read your post and I got the feelings that you are leaving out the heart of the matter. I got the feeling that you are well aware what the heart of the matter is but would prefer that someone drum up something else.

Did the others dump you or you them? What information did you say to the others that you didn't tell the current guy? How many males are we talking about?

Quote:

It's wonderful to see the other person respond positively when you ask for change, and loves you enough that he's willing to do it. That's real love.

Actually, its not 'real love'. In the scenario provided 'real love' would be your acceptance of him with all his faults and personality traits. Likewise, real love from the other direction would be his acceptance of you despite what I presume was a sordid background.

My guess is that there remains someone from your past that you have never gotten over, maybe you're still in love with him?

With this current guy, you came up with something that you thought was the reason that you were unhapppy, (his immaturity/defensiveness). But apparently the guy has changed this . You know you aren't going to stop at having him change just that, you will continue.

As far as the other b/f's not trusting you. Any chance that when you revealed your past to these guys, and that your past suggests that you
cheated one or more times on males who you were in an exclusive relationship with?
Would others categorize you as a flirt? Are you mysterious about your comings and goings? Do you like guys to be jealous?

I got the impression that you were leaving out of your narrative germane information because it would put a negative slant on yourself.

Just my opinion

[mouse]

Counselling should be seriously thought about.By you,him or together...

[screamin_me]

First, I guess I should be expecting any kind of response to an open forum, so shame on me. But I really didn't like the tone of your response, especially the assumptions about my past and my attitude, from the little information you have. You jumped to really negative conclusions and I find it offensive that just because I'm having issues, you automatically assumed it's because I've slept around, or thinking about it or want to. Give your head a shake. Not everything is about that.

"With this current guy, you came up with something that you thought was the reason that you were unhapppy, (his immaturity/defensiveness). But apparently the guy has changed this . You know you aren't going to stop at having him change just that, you will continue." This might be something you would do, but I don't believe you read my post all that well because you would understand that that isn't the case.

By the way, when two people work together to try and resolve issues, and make compromises to give the other person what they need to keep the relationship happy and healthy IS real love. Being able to sometimes put the other person's happiness and well-being before your own to help the relationship become stronger is the most selfless and loving thing a partner can do for the other.

"As far as the other b/f's not trusting you. Any chance that when you revealed your past to these guys, and that your past suggests that you
cheated one or more times on males who you were in an exclusive relationship with?"
I don't understand how you could jump to conclusions like that.

I apologize if I came across as immature or a slut(?).

I guess you did help in one respect, that after seeing what kind of conclusions people can jump to, my anxiety stems from him not understanding me and my silence. All my relationships have been long-term and I never cheated or even through of cheating on any of them. But I guess I'm insecure because they left me feeling like a failure because it didn't matter how much I gave, the relationships ended anyway. I guess I'm just scared that I'm going to get hurt again if I open up and let him in. I thought I could trust all of them but afterwards, it's a reality check when it doesn't work out that way. I want so badly for things to work out, and maybe that's where my anxiety stems from.

[Chatty Cat]

Hi Screamin Me,
I think you are correct in thinking that your anxiety stems from your concern that this relationship will fail too. I don't know where that other poster got all their ideas about cheating, etc... looks like they are projecting their own baggage or someone else's onto you.
I think you need to tell your partner perhaps many times that your fears stem from past hurts and disappointments and not from him. That'll go a long way towards reassuring him that you're not unhappy with him. And it never hurts to keep telling him how much you appreciate his efforts.
I would also suggest a book called He's Scared, She's Scared. I can't think of the authors right now but googling the title will get ya there. It's about commitmentphobia, but I think it's relevant to anyone who has a painful history of serial monogamy like you have because it talks about how you can easily and unconsciously develop coping mechanisms that can sabotage your relationships even though that's the last thing you want to happen. There are great exercises to help you suss the core fears that you have and to get past those fears.
Best wishes!

[Golden Eagle]

I think that communication is the stem to any good relationship and in order to be confident enough to have that, it takes a solid start of trust and the ability to feel comfortable opening up.
I am sorry for what has happened in your past and I do think that confrontation, or true communication, can be a little more difficult after you have been through these things.
It sounds as though you would like to give this relationship more of a chance and mentioned by another member was the use of a councilor, perhaps a personal councilor at first, to find out why you have a difficult time opening up and speaking. Then a couple councilor, where you and your partner can talk and find where your comfort levels are and how to communicate properly.
First thing to do is to sit down and talk to your partner. You will know then how they feel and this will be a wonderful way to start this new pattern.
Believe me, as someone who struggles with saying her piece, not waiting and then it blowing up or getting out of hand, I have learned to open up and communicate.
You feel very confident in the fact that this is “real love” and you certainly sound as though you are both trying to work out the concerns. Take it one step further and get to the bottom of some old ones and give your relationship the chance to survive.
Also, do not ever forget that your past is your past, there is nothing you can do to change it, only use it so it no longer controls you and you can change what happens in your future
Best of luck with it!
_________________
Be an organ donor; give your heart to Jesus.
Exercise daily; walk with the Lord.

[hoarsy8]

Is this what I project? I have one foot in, the other out? I don't understand why they sense this from me, but it always seems to be there, no matter what relationship I was in, including this one. Is it me or what?

Sorry that I offended you ...it was my intent. I did want to address your question because I do understand that sense of uneasiness or the sometimes overwhelming sense of just not being confident. It sounded like you were the same as me at one time.

Regardless of the methodology, you did find the heart to your own question...maybe that's needed before you are able to find a remedy. To help with my similar insecurity I took a few courses in assertive training ..it helped alot.

No ...I'm not so rude as to conjour up the most negative thoughts from a persons post. I'm like you ...I spit out the truth to a matter when I get angry.

[hoarsy8]

I guess you did help in one respect, that after seeing what kind of conclusions people can jump to, my anxiety stems from him not understanding me and my silence. All my relationships have been long-term and I never cheated or even through of cheating on any of them. But I guess I'm insecure because they left me feeling like a failure because it didn't matter how much I gave, the relationships ended anyway. I guess I'm just scared that I'm going to get hurt again if I open up and let him in. I thought I could trust all of them but afterwards, it's a reality check when it doesn't work out that way. I want so badly for things to work out, and maybe that's where my anxiety stems from.


If you think its you Screamin, it is ...but its not your fault.

In your first post you indicated that "Every boyfriend Ive had in the past always had the same characteristic; they always seem worried about me, in the sense that they seem unable to relax and feel like I'm not going anywhere, that I was too independant. It didn't matter what I did to try and convince them, they never seemed to relax and believe me, and trust me. It's almost like they think I'm ready to leave at a moment's nottice. They seem compelled to cling or seem really insecure, like they need to continually check to make sure I'm still going to be there when they get home".

I know exactly what you're talking about ...thing is, its a self fullfilling prophesy. Holding back some to protect yourself to insure that you don't get hurt (again) leads to that which you fear, losing whomever. ... hmmm aquarius or cancer? Regardless, I hope you fare well...trusting is a real b*tch sometimes.

[screamin_me]

Was away for a few days...

Thank you all for the advice, I will definitely put some thought into what you all said.
I've found the anxiety lessens and becomes manageable when I spit it out in writing. Having a soundboard, good or bad helps me focus and get to the heart of my problem much easier. When I have to defend or explain what my problem really is, its easier to find the real problem instead of all the incidental stuff that clouds the truth.
My partner is loving and a wonderful person all the way around, and he's doing his best to do right by me. I just worry the clinging and the insecure vibes I get from him might not necessarily be just about me, but because of his own past and problems. This also I realized after reading some of what you all had to say.
I guess bottom line, I need to take a deep breath and take it one day at a time. I just wish I could erase his worry about me leaving.

[princess punkin]

You sound alot like me. You don't talk. Very independent. Strong willed and you are "not letting anyone tell me what, when or how" kind of attitude. In the last year this is what I have learned.

~ Let it out. Talk about it. I was like you. Didn't like to say anything. Didn't like people outside my relationship knowing what was going on in my relationship, which continued into my relationship so I kept everything to myself. For months a friend of mine that knew everything that was happening in my life (he was dragged into it and told things even I didn't want to tell him) bugged me and even threatened to tell my parents himself if I didn't tell people what was going on in my life. (My situation was a little different so I'm just speaking for the talking part of it.) Eventually the truth came out and I felt a weight lifted off my shoulders. Now more people ask me what is going on and I have to tell them. I don't tell them everything. Just that we have issues that we couldn't work out. But I have to tell you once I started talking about it, I can't shut up anymore about it. I know I am boring people so I have curbed it. But honestly it does help. If you can have a conversation with your partner without fighting or having feelings hurt, by all means do it. Even if it does hurt his feelings you may have to tell him if its been bothering you.

~ I to am very independent. Part of the "I can take care of myself without your help - I'm not talking about it" problem. Don't loose your indepenence but if you need to lean on people by all means lean. You can't always be the strong one. I'm sure there are people that lean on you. Its time to lean back. We all expect people to lean on us so don't feel bad. It feels good to feel needed.

~ And if you are like me....you don't like to cry when things get tough. Let it out girl. Yell, scream, cry, throw things (well you don't have to but I do - kind of like it too much some days) The tension lessens a bit. I hate it when people know I have been crying or see me cry. But in the last year more and more people have seen it. My best friend gets the brunt of it. But he is always there to listen to me bitch and complain and gives me a hug and tells me everything is going to work out. That man has some kind of patience I tell you. Without him I would be lost some days. Find yourself someone like that.

As for the leaving part of it. That was thrown in my face sooo many times I have lost count. I was always being asked if I wanted him there. Now I can say without hesitation NO!! but for totally different reasons. But even before all of our problems came to the surface and exploded he was constantly asking me if I wanted him there, if I wanted him to leave, and on and on. There is no easy answer for this one. Guys like to know they are needed. When we are sick they want to take care of us because that is the only time we give in and say yes pls make me some chicken noodle soup. Any other time its why, I can't do it myself.

If you listen to the song Bitch by Meredith Brooks you will love it I'm sure. I am proud to say it is my theme song lol.

The things that I have learned in the short version.

~ Cry when you need to
~ Let the guy do stuff for you once in awhile to show them that you need them
~ Talk about what's bothering you. Doesn't have to be an every day thing but let him know that something is bothering you. This one will take awhile. The old news is easy to talk about. The new stuff is still tricky. But it does come with time. I'm still holding things in.
~ Ask the questions you need to ask. The ones that have been on your mind for months but for some reason the "bitch-balls" have retreated. Mostly its because we don't want to know the answer but ask the question. You owe it to your sanity to ask.

I don't know if I have helped at all or just taken up alot of people's time. Take what you will. Ignore what you need to. Enjoy life and your relationship. Don't worry so much.