Too many kids?

[cdheilly7]

Hi, I am a mother to seven children. Their ages are 10, 9, 6, 4, 3, 20 months and 8 months. Yes they are all mine and my husbands. People always seem to ask that question. The thing I want to know about is infighting I will call it, the nitpicking and bugging that siblings do. It seems to me that I am breaking up battles all day long. If there are any other parents out there with large families I would love to talk with you just to share viewpoints. Maybe tips on ways to make budgets go futher, i always seem to run out of money before the month end.

[InkiePinkie]

Hi, and welcome to the forums! We're glad to have you here Please feel free to join in any discussions, and post a few new threads yourself if you like!
I'm moving your post to the family and parenting section. Hopefully you will get more views there, and some suggestions and advice.

[Gabbyev]

Hi maybe this will help with siblings fighting , when my kids started the petty fighting I woudn't say a word I would just take them by the arm and lead them into an empty room tell them to work it out and come out when they can be nice . keep in mind if it was a serious fight I always stepped in and didn't let it get out of had . The best one I did was when the kids would fight in the car , it drove me nuts as I was alway afraid I would get into an accident so I stated to the kids if there was one fight I will pull off the road and would not drive the car until it was quiet again . This worked well as the kids finally figured it out that the more they fought the longer it took us to get there . For the first few weeks that I did this I pulled over many times . LOL ! It was so nice driving with the kids after they realized that I ment it and would not put up with it . hope this helps .... Gabbyev

[envy]

i'm one of five kids. i liked the way my dad broke up our fights and nit picking which caused whining and tattling. he would always only punish the one who started the whole thing. It worked very well cause we knew we would get sent to our room for that kind of "fun". The only problem it caused which i'm not sure my father knows about to this day is whining that a sibling started something when they didn't just to get them into trouble.

[cdheilly7]

[cdheilly7]

[Chatty Cat]

My Mom comes from a family of 9 kids and she says that when she was growing up, if their mother couldn't be sure who started it, then everyone involved would get punished equally - she called it her "turn the other cheek lesson".
ie. just because someone does something to you that you don't like, you can choose not to retaliate by "turning the other cheek".

Anyways, it cut back on the fighting quite a bit because even if you were the "wronged" party, you still ran a high chance of getting in trouble for it, so often times things wouldn't get started even if one sibling was acting up. All the others would tell them to cut it out before Mom sees. Get it? They were stopping the nonsense themselves a lot of the time!
Also when things did happen, they often didn't get too far out of fear that they'd all be in trouble. Which makes sense cause we know from all the tattletaling that kids delight in getting each other in trouble and so will often play up an injury to do so. Or sometimes they retaliate really harshly thinking that they can't get in trouble because they didn't start it.

Also, any challenges to your decisions should be punished as well so you don't have a mutiny on your hands. If they don't like how you're handling things, tell them they can be boss when they have kids of their own, but until then - you are the boss!! And bosses don't defend their decisions and neither should you!

I'd also play special attention where the same ones are at eachother all the time. Sometimes it's hard to figure out if it's the older one bullying the younger or the younger antagonizing the older because they expect the older to be held accountable - a good case for spying and/or punishing both so it's to neither ones benefit to continue this pattern.

Best of luck!!

PS. A great way of having more money at the end of the month - stop having kids you can't afford! Don't mean to be insulting, but in the early days poverty and disease killed off the children when the numbers got too high in a family, thankfully in modern times we have birth control - a far more humane concept even if some religious leaders are too dense to see it.

[lyndafaye]

Chatty cat your ps was extremely rude and uninformed.
do you know anything of her financial situation. Maybe at one point she and her husband had enough money but due to circumstances the money decreased and not due to too many children.

A couple of months after we were married I mentioned to my husband that I would want 12 children. I thought that number would be fun. My husband on the other hand was not that keen. So we compromised. We had one son and 3 years later we had our second son. My husband said there put 1 in front of 2 and you get 12. So no more children. Which was fine.
As a miner you always had to take into account that mines close and you would have to move. and we did 13 times in the first 11 years of marriage.
Even with good pay sometimes money was short but we survived without help from the government or our families.
You learn to stretch that dollar until it squeaks.
As for the squabbling, I learned to put it in perspective one day when I had left the boys in the apt. playing while I went down to the laundry room. I came back and standing outside the door listened to the 2 of them helping each other and talking quietly. As soon as I opened the door they were at it again. I said what gives, you guys were getting along when I wasn't there how come that changed. My eldest who was 7 said well mom you are at home all the time and we want to do our job of keeping your life interesting and us arguing gives you something to think about. it is our job."
after that statement I would only step in if things escalated to a lot of noise or tantrums. I said to only come to me with there arguing and fighting if blood started to flow.
It worked as they didn't get the attention.
Now I know that is only two but it also worked when I had almost every child in the building in our apt. as they were all friends of my two.
a couple of tips I learned are
keep the rules simple and age appropriate.
make punishments consistent.
learn which battles need to be won and which can be ignored.
examples are
no hitting.
no belittling
don't run out onto the road without looking.
punishments.
time outs but short ones.
doing a chore they put off.
battles
somebody doesn't eat their brocoli. so what, not a great big deal.
putting a younger sibling down on the ground and jumping on their head. definetly punishable.
My mothers rule was for my father. he liked the idea of grounding someone from going outside for a few days.
My mother said no way since it wasn't punishing the child exactly but it was punishing her. So no grounding in our family. Mom needed some time in the house without us.

[Chatty Cat]

LyndaFaye you are the rude and uninformed one! The OP says in the last line of her question that she is looking for tips on saving money because she is always running out of money at the end of the month. Duh! Learn how to read before you mouth off to me!

Responsible people plan for the hard times by tucking some away each month, they don't just pop out a kid every other year and spend every dollar till it squeeks and hope that nothing bad happens to mess up their "living completely on the edge" lifestyle. That's what stupid people do and their children suffer for it!!

You say you wanted 12 kids because it sounded like fun? What kind of idiot thinks 12 kids is fun? Lucky your husband is a lot smarter than you odviously are or you'd be another mother with too many kids to look after.

It's your brand of stupidity that results in children living below poverty levels and whole families relying on food stamps and welfare to get by. Kids are a privilege, not a right and they deserve a decent standard of living and the opportunity to go to decent schools and participate in sports, music, etc... Collecting them like toys, because it's fun, is not acceptable nor responsible.

God save us from the idiots of the world!! More importantly, God save the children from the idiots! It'll be so great when people are required to get licensed and trained in order to become parents.

OP I'm not calling you an idiot necessarily. If you're done having kids 'cause the money is too tight, fair enough. If you're not, you should be 'cause you're hurting your kids when you spread yourself too thin. Love is great, but a full belly and a safe home and school and opportunities are just as important!!

If you're in love with the notion of babies and raising kids, there are other ways to fulfill yourself without consigning everyone to poverty. I have two sets of Aunts and Uncles who, once their natural chidren were grown and left the nest, became foster parents and raised another 5- 6 kids apeice over the course of nearly 40 years. Money wasn't ever tight and all the children got plenty of one-on-one time and energy from their parents.

[lyndafaye]

[tracy.gour]

when my boys used to fight, I'd have them sit in a chair, side by side, with an arm around each other's shoulder....Then I would have them think about the reason they were fighting and how much they disliked each other...in no time they would be giggling and friends again.

[Happytobehere]

"Maybe tips on ways to make budgets go futher, i always seem to run out of money before the month end."

She did not say she was poor, she said she had a BUDGET. Many people with alot of wealth have budgets, believe it or not. LOL, it is usually why they are wealthier

[Happytobehere]

I have the same trouble with the budget by the way. A few things I found that worked for me to save money was to stop going out, lol. No, really. I buy as much milk as can fit in my fridge (I am tempted to get powder milk and dilute our milk even to delay groceries longer lol) and avoid the grocery store once I have my full week of food. I have found a fruit store that is FAR cheaper than safeway or w/e for fruits and veg. I plan meals for the whole week so I know I have got everything. To avoid impulse buying cute clothes for kids (uneeded clothing items lol) I now just go to the gym in the morning.. after that out of home experience I am too tired out to do more outings with kids other than a walk lol. Also, depending what city you live in, people set up websites to recycle their stuff (the site where I live is free only ) You check it for household/clothing items you may need.

Hope that helps, I also have the trouble with kids some days lol.

[lyndafaye]

a few tips I have learned over the years to save money at the grocery store.

shop with a list. but be flexible.
if the meat on sale looks terrible do some quick rethinks on your menu plan and get something else.
chicken can be exchanged for pork
apples make a nice change from tomatoes and cucumbers in a salad.

if your children just have to have that new cereal buy a small box and mix it with the more healthy one. rice krispies and fruit loops for instance.

fish is on sale but half the family hates fish don't stock up on it. not only will it save money but it will save the food battle.
Buy just enough for one meal or two and make it into fish sticks or fish cakes and serve them like hamburgers with all the toppings. and roasted french fries made from scratch.

If you have to shop with young children give them something they like from the list to make sure it gets to the counter. They want to make sure it makes it safely because they like eating it. They stop asking for all the usual things that they see. It is a distraction technique that works. Let the older ones run down an aisle to pick up an item. This saves you steps and lets them learn to find their way around the store. This is still safe to do as you will be watching from the end of the aisle, but it gives them a feeling of growing up and independence.

ALWAYS have a meal that you can pop in the oven or the microwave for days that you just can't get up the energy to cook.
Mine was pretend pizzas. a hamburger bun or english muffin put some cheese whiz on it then a bit of meat what ever is in the house ham works well add a couple olives put under the broiler until bubbly. you can serve this as the complete meal or add a bowl of soup.

[Chatty Cat]

Lyndafaye: You say you could have had 12 kids through "no fault" of yours or your husbands because birth control doesn't work for every woman.

Puh-lease!! Ever heard of getting your tubes tied or hubby having a vasectomy? Or both? Believe me, if someone's serious about not having more kids, they do something about it not just make excuses!!