Boyfriend talking to female college friend again!

[eddie_fan4]

So my boyfriend of almost 3 years is starting to talk to his college female friend again over facebook.
The first time he talked to her, he flirted with her over faceook messaging, asking for her number so they can plan "emergency" home work sessions. He also wanted to go with her on a hang out to our date place and refused to have me come. Apparently they were just doing "home work" He never went of course.
I felt uncomfortable with him talking to her. She soon asked him if him, her, and one of her friends can go out to a lunch. Just the trio of them meaning no girlfriends. I told him he couldn't go of course.

We have this rule in our relationship where we don't hang out with guys or girls behind each others backs. (he made that one up by the way)

Well he went to go hang out with her and go out to dinner with her and went bowling with her and never told me. He acutely tried to hide it from me. He refused to use facebook at one point. So I went on facebook and saw pictures of him and her together, like she had posted them up, or was tagged in them, i am not sure. So I confronted him and he just made all these excuses up and claimed he didn't know about the pictures, but in a facebook message that was from a couple days ago were him sending messages to his friends to get those pics off facebook and a couple days later, claims he didn't know anything about them.


My point is, should I be worried that he is starting to talk to this girl that ended up with the both of them making trouble?

Like with him and her, it always goes to far, so should I be worried, jealous or what ever, or just leave it to be and see what happens for the 3rd time or something?

In the message I read he was talking to her about taking the same classes she is taking in flemming. Like wanting to with excitement and smilies and stuff.

Can I be worried, or am I just crazy?

[princess punkin]

I am looking it at it from your bf's side of things. I may be wrong but he has a friend. If it makes you uncomfortable tell him it does but don't tell him what he can and can't do. He will just rebel.

I was like your bf. I have a friend that means the world to me. He helped me a lot the past year and I can never repay him for what he did. He still listens to me whine and complain about my ex. He probably always will.

This is the same kind of situation that I was in. Have a friend that helped me through my hard times and was always there when I needed him and still is and we talked ALL the time. My husband had a hard time with it. But this is my view on it. Some people don't agree with me, but this is it:

If you do not trust your partner, there is no relationship there.

I have always said that. Trust your man, and he won't hide things from you, unless he has a reason to. Be up front with him. Tell him that you don't like the situation but you are trusting him that he is making the right decision. He might be more open to let you come, tell you what is going on, invite her over so you can meet her. People have friends of all shapes, sizes, and colors. So why not genders too?

I know we do this because we don't want to get hurt. We start looking for things that aren't there. I myself am guilty of it lately. But then you have to remind yourself that a friend is a friend. Yes sometimes it leads to something more, I'm not that naive but the way I see it the relationship is going to suffer no matter which way you take it right now.

You can be controlling and tell him that he cannot talk to her. But he will rebel and your relationship will be strained because it will just keep going around and around. He will talk to her behind your back and stop telling you things in case it starts a fight. When you find someone that you can talk to and have common interests you enjoy talking to them. In this case it happens to be a girl.

Don't be afraid to talk to your man but don't control him. It never turns out well in the end. Tell him how you feel. That you want to meet this girl. That you do trust him but if he cheats you are cutting off his manhood and feeding it to the dog. Right now it is a new relationship so they will talk and hang out more especially if they are in the same classes. Soon enough they will find someone else that is interesting and move on. Friends come and go. Remember that. She might not be around for long.

[santosha]

I find it so interesting how the whole Facebook era has brought upon such issues in relationships. I am going through a similar issue with my bf. As soon as he opened a Facebook account he began talking and flirting with girls from his past. I don't understand why he can't have a normal conversation with a girl without some sort of sexual comment or flirting, I am still working through that one. However I do belive that Facebook is a why for people to live in thier past. I don't know about you bf but I think mine is trying to live out his younger years when he was single. I talked to my bf and said that if he wanted to continue using Facebook them we needed to share an account. I think honesty is the biggest foundation in a relationship and he should have notting to hide. However he chose to close his account. Whether or not your bf will go any further then he has is questionable, however I just wanted to point out that with all the social networking sites it is becoming all to easy to contact past girlfriends and cheat on your current one. It really depends on how you define "cheating", in my eyes if he is going behind your back and lieing to you then he is cheating.

[Chatty Cat]

I always hear people argue that they should be allowed to be friends with whoever and what's the problem and why can't their ex or flirty old pal be in their life? I always respond with, "billions of people on this planet and you can't find a good friendship with anyone that you don't have a intimate history with?" Give me a break!

Basically, your bf is enjoying the attention and flirtation. It's fun and a big ego boost and in his mind as long as he doesn't actually engage in any physical activities, then what's the harm?

I'll tell you the harm: unless and until he can treat his "friendship" with her EXACTLY the same way he treats his friendship with his guy friends, he cannot claim that this relationship is the same innocent type of friendship.
Does he have guy friends that he flirts with and makes sexually provocative remarks to? Does he hide the time he spends with any of his guy friends from you? Does he have any guy friends who he only sees without you or any of his other friends present? Since the answer is no to all these questions - the answer is no, this isn't a friendship just like all of his others.

So is it OK then for him to have a special relationship with a woman who isn't you and who isn't a family member? I think not.

If he still tries to insist that he needs and wants this relationship, you'll just have to decide if you can live with him choosing to disregard your valid concerns and pursue this thing. What does it say about his regard for your feelings? What message is he sending her and everyone else about the value he places on his relationship with her vs his relationship with you.

I mean your not asking him to give up family member or a mentor or his best guy friend. He tells you she's just an old pal and she's no threat, so why can't he step back from the friendship? Why can't you be part of her friendship? Why does he need to talk to her so often? If you're an important part of his life, doesn't it makes sense that he would want you to be a part of whatever he has going on with her?

If reason doesn't work, go out and befriend some guy and just engage in exactly the same type of interactions and see how he likes it.

If you want him to give up the excitement and the ego boost he's getting, you need to show him the cost of it is too high ie. your trust and your relationship. Or by raising these questions and concerns, you may find out that he really is interested in her romantically and then at least you will have sussed that out earlier rather than later.

Best of Luck!! This sucks, I know!! We've all been there too!!

[princess punkin]

See I'm the one arguing about who cares about who my friends are. And then there was the comment that there are billions of people in this world and you can't find one without an intimate past......I did. My best friend and I don't have an intimate past. Didn't matter!! Still wasn't trusted, still was accused of cheating. BUT!! And here's the kicker....the one that I do have an intimate past with my ex didn't have a problem with him. So that kind of blows that out of the water.

And most of my exs are still my friends. So yeah I still want to talk to them. Friends are friends. We watch too many tv shows were the main topic is cheating. It is ingrained in out minds that if we have a friend of the opposite sex we are going to cheat. I'm sorry most of my friends are guys. Sure some are good looking, doesn't mean I'm going to fall in love with them or even want to sleep with them for that matter.

Not everyone cheats. Not everyone that talks to a member of the opposite sex is thinking about cheating. They probably don't even think about that person in that way. I know I don't see my friends that way. That's why they are called friends.

What if you bf's best friend was a guy and gay? Would you be worried then?

[Chatty Cat]

Princess: That's nice you have a bunch of guy friends that you've not had sex with lately. The fact that you had an ex who didn't have a problem with it is also nice, but I don't know why you think that blows anything out of the water. These facts are really not germaine to this thread because the OP does have a problem with her bf's new BFF and the OP and her bf even had a rule in place against hanging out with members of the opposite sex behind each other's backs. A rule that he has broken. She's asking for opinions on what to do about that.

My response is to provide her with some questions to ask herself and him and hopefully get him to see things from her point of view or perhaps allow her to see where his head is truly at. I have no interest in trying to convince her that she's wrong to see his recent behaviour as a problem. I think she's right to be concerned.

I know that some people, like yourself, keep their exes around and that's your choice, but I believe that relationships are tough enough without cluttering the landscape with old rubbish that your significant other may find troubling. So, I don't keep my exes around and I've never dated anyone who does, as a rule.

You're right not everyone cheats, just like not everyone steals or kills, but all are capable of any of those things and history proves out that what often makes the difference is OPPORTUNITY!!

By keeping temptations away, I believe I am doing more to safeguard my relationship with my guy. Same reason we each know each others passwords for Facebook. It doesn't mean I don't trust him or myself. It's because even good people can have a bad day, act out during a rough patch, or make a mistake. I just think it's wiser not to have easy access to people or things that we will regret deeply later. It's not foolproof but it certainly improves the odds I think.

You wanna play with fire - go ahead! - it's your choice. It's not nice to be accused of cheating when you haven't, but do you honestly think having ex lovers hanging around is any way to convince a new guy that he's the most important? And if your best friend is a dude, isn't it true that at one time, one of you was interested in the other romantically? Tell the truth. And so the feelings weren't reciprocated and one of you has pathetically decided the friend zone is better than nothing, but we all know if OPPORTUNITY arose, the one who was rejected would totally be into hooking up. Seriously, we all know this scenario.

As for my guy having a gay friend - my guy does have gay friends. In fact the gay click at his work, voted him the most desired! Sadly, for them my guy isn't gay so no I'm not worried. And he has lots of female fans of his music who he keeps at arms length out of respect for me and because he doesn't want me to ever doubt my place in his heart. Maybe you wouldn't have so many exes if you treated them like that, instead of insisting they put with having a bunch ex lovers hanging around you.

[mouse]

Chatty Cat:I do agree with your choosing to not be friends with ex lovers.I am the same way.I believe if I were friends with at least two of mine,I wouldn't be in such a loving relationship right now.My b/f trusts me completely,and,in all honesty,I couldn't be sure that I wouldn't give into temptation when around some of my ex's,b'f's .So,for me anyways,it's best to not have the temptation within reach...

[Chatty Cat]

Hey Mouse! I hear dat!

I guess we're both part of the better safe than sorry gang!! I know what you mean about your bf not being around if you had a couple of exes hanging around. I mean guys are competitive and possessive, God luv'em!!
My guy tells me he doesn't even want to think of me being with anyone else, nevermind having a beer with the dude!! haha! I'm the same way, when I think of my guy's exes, I change from Chatty Cat to Catty Cat and the fangs and claws come out!! hahaha!

[princess punkin]

Well maybe I just have small town mentality. I do live in a small town. Friends are few and far between here. So when you have exes as friends it is not a big deal to anyone. Maybe that is why I am a little more trusting. I don't know. Everyone that lives here has atleast one of there exes as a friend. Mine happened to turn into my best friend. We were better friends then we were in a romantic relationship. I grew up with this guy. I'm not pushing him away because we couldn't make it as more then friends. I was completely open and honest about my relationship with the one he had a problem with. But it didn't seem to matter he had a problem with it. I believe a friend is a friend. Its up to the person to keep control of their feelings and actions. Their partners should not have to babysit.

And that was my point....which comes from

[donaldporter4]

eddie_fan4 writes:

Quote:

My point is, should I be worried that he is starting to talk to this girl that ended up with the both of them making trouble?

The woman has no business chatting up and flirting with a spoken for guy and he should be ashamed of himself for paying attention to a woman other than yourself.

You might find that if you put your foot down he will move on.

[ChattysGuy]

'if she puts her foot down he'll move on?' hello! he's already moved on.