need some advice.......

[LeeannAda]

i have been in a relationship for 16 yrs....we have had our ups and downs in the past but lately seem to hit rock bottom.....my boyfriend cheated on me in the past with his ex...and he came clean and told me about it,,,he also was involved in drugs for awhile now thank god he is on the right path....however he became friends with someone from the opposite sex and even though she is married they seem to spend alot of time together...her husband is overseas so she is alone alot...they were spending alot of time together and living in a small town people talked and i listened ..kept my thoughts to myself....one night we all went out the three of us..when we got home he decides to call this friend without me knowing and i lost it....we had a huge fight and he said he was leaving etc....so i went to the friend and apolized and said i was sorry to him and everything....so we were all friends again...they did their own thing ignoring me most of the time and she was here at my house all day and most all nights...then they got into tattoos...he bought a tattoo gun and they tattoed each other....he tattooed her ass....yeah her ass....i was upset but didnt say anything,,,then it came down to me not inviting her to supper one night and he said i was a two faced bitch and that everybody thinks so...so i went to her and asked her if she said i was a two faced bitch she said she never said it....then he flipped out cause i went to her and to make a long story short now she dont want to have anything to do with me ...she doesnt call here to the house,,,she makes him call her...she doesnt come to my house when i am home......she said she is tired of me cutting her throat...i only went to her as a friend ..she was supposed to be my friend too...but i guess not...i would like to know if i am in the wrong or am i right in doing what i did....i have not talked to her since i went to her but i know they have been together and talking on the computer cause he changed his passwords so i dont know them ..but i bet my life she knows them....i need advice.........can they be just friends?

[13Pixie13]

Men can be friends with women. 98% of my boyfriends friends are women, and I knew that going into the relationship. I do trust him and know I have nothing to worry about, just as he trusts me with my male friends.
But to me, it sounds like your bf is trying to hide something, and they could possibly be mroe then just friends. you said he changed his passwords...did he openly tell you what they were before all of this happened? It is odd that he seems to be siding with her, his 'friend' as opposed to you, his gf of 16 years. I cant say for sure what is going on, but i got a bad vibe when I read your post. Honestly you dont deserve to be treated like this, and he should realise that. you are a human being too. you shouldnt have to be put, and put yourself through this. All relationships have ups and downs but both people usually make efforts to mend the issue. He does not seem to be doing this, in fact he seems to be doing the exact opposite. It is good they they included you on outings, but that is also a negative. they included you all of the time, as if you were the friend, not the gf. the fact that she doesnt call the house anymore and makes him call her makes it seem like something is going on.
Im sorry i cant imagine it is fun to hear, but it is my opinion. i dont know if it helped much, but i do hope everything works out for you!

[mouse]

It seems(to me anyways)that you are allowing things to slowly get out of control with the situaion.Regarding the tatoos on the hind quarter area,did you have any ideal that they were going to do this,before they did it?If they aren't already fooling around with each other,they sound really close to doing so...

[Phamilton]

The situation sounds disrespectful to you. You've been put into a triangle and right now you're put on the lowest point. Your boyfriend/partner should be your best friend & he's got another best friend. I know it's hard but I think you have put up with enough. Try lift yourself out of the situation & look after yourself please...Good luck

[Happytobehere]

Somebody else said they got a bad vibe just reading this, and I have got to agree. I think he is completely disrespecting you personally. I don't know how you even take it! My husband has a friend who is a woman (n attractive one at that) But NEVER would he tatoo her butt, nor even make sexual comments like with her. Actually he tells me stories about her and she is more guy than some men! But she doesn't bother me, she is married quite happily and very nice with me and the family. Anytime my husband wants to go to her UFC parties it is cool because I trust him, and I trust her.
It is a gut instinct that all is well and that friendship is good. But I can tell you do not feel that way about this friend. Be honest and true to yourself and do the thing that is right for YOU! Do NOT take this man's shit another day if it is ruining you and your love of self!!!! Do not let him make you feel guilty for feeling you are being treated wrong. 16 years is a long time, but if you have to live in misery to be with him, why continue?!

You sound like a very patient person from all you have put up with... keep your head up.

[mouse]

Yeah,I agree that her situation isn't great,however,sitting back and continually allowing things to happen isn't helping anyone at all.It's kind of like being in an abusive relationship,one is usually afraid to rock that proverbial boat,for fear of the consequences.There has to be more to her story,cause it can't just be all him causing crap...Once again,we are only hearing one side...

[princess punkin]

Double-edged sword here, kind of. I do think that there may be more going on. I would never let any of my guy friends see my behind never mind tattoo it. But at the same time, if I was unsure and shy I might want my guy friend to do it over some stranger. That argument could go on and on.

I have been in the situation that your partner is in. Getting to know and grow attached to someone new and it puts stress on the relationship. Mine is a little different but at the same time its not.

What does your gut tell you? Do they spend a lot of time alone together? Do you trust him to hang around with her? If there is a trust issue, is it with him or her?

It kind of sounds like you don't say anything until you get a few things that are bothering you and then you get into an argument. I know it is hard but when these things come up, bring them up in the most calm voice that you have. No resentment, anger or anything. If you have a question, ask him and when your voice is calm they don't put the defenses up and you tend to get more answers. It is hard to keep that voice calm, especially when you get an answer you don't like but then you can calmly tell him that you don't like it and why you don't like it.

It might help. Hope it does. Let us know what happenns

[demers_maried]

my god...this feels so complicated...personally, I think men and women can be friends...but i don't feel llike this relationship is good for you. I think that if you'Re not happy anymore you should just leaev. I know it's not something easy to do, but then you can move on and leave all that drama behind...
Of course...i'm not there to really every side of the story but gosh...if you don't see a future with him, don't waste your time.

[Chatty Cat]

I think you already know that your relationship is over and you're just on here hoping for some last minute miracle. Sorry.
It really doesn't matter if he's banging this chick or not. If he's not, he has still shown unbelievable disregard for your feelings. When I say unbelievable, I mean unbelievable that you would put up with it for one second!
It's odvious that you have become so desperate to keep this azzhat that he can get away with anything. He's making a complete joke of you and I'm sure that you'll find that everyone around the two of you is marvelling and wincing (depending on their view) that you're not putting your foot down.
The best thing you can do is leave and get some counselling so you can get your self esteem back. I mean what on earth is keeping you in this marriage anyways?
He doesn't treat you like he loves you, he doesn't respect you, he doesn't require that others (her) treat you with respect, he's not your best friend, he's her best friend, etc...
And don't go saying that you love him because then I'd just ask why? Why would you love a man who treats you like crap? Why love someone who makes you feel unimportant, stupid and unworthy of respect?
Just because you've been married a long time, is no reason to stay married, there must be some benefit to you.
If you can't muster up the self respect and courage to leave, then start seeing a counsellor right away so they can help you pull yourself together.
You don't believe it right now, but you deserve and should require much better treatment.
Best wishes!!

[mouse]

chattycat:Have you ever been in an abusive relationship of any kind?If you have,you would know that it's far easier said than done to leave.It takes a huge amount of courage and gumption before an abusee can muster that up and make the break.They have to first admit that there's a problem(which in itself is a problem),then they have to take action.Take it from an abuse survivor who went through all that.

[Chatty Cat]

Yes Mouse, I know all about abusive relationships which is why I recommended counselling, either after she leaves or before she leaves, depending on whether or not she currently has enough self-esteem and courage to leave right now.
The last thing a person stuck in an abusive situation needs is mindless kindness which does nothing to encourage the victim to escape.
The longer she stays, the worse it gets and meekly surrendering to her circumstance and entertaining unfounded hopes that the situation will somehow improve, is only going to cause the OP more pain and make it more difficult for her to recover her sense of worth.
As you are a survivor, I would think that you regretted how long you endured the pain and likely would have left sooner if the people around you had pushed you into action rather than just sympathized or worse yet, pretended not to know cause it's not their business.
Perhaps your screen name is a little too literal.

[mouse]

chattycat:screen names shouldn't be taken literally,especially mine...

[rhtoronto]

Anyone can be friends, but do they want to be just friends or more than friends?

What do you want?

You've obviously been in this relationship for the long haul but it sounds like it has been very one sided. You're obviously very supportive of him but it doesn't sound like he's very supportive of you. He sounds very disrespectful.

You should talk to him and be clear with him. If you're with him then his life should be an open book to you. If he feels the need to hide anything from you then it's wrong, plain and simple.

Friends are friends and nothing more. If you can't sit and chat about your friends (guys or girls) to you SO - and tell them everything - you have a serious problem with your relationship.

[donaldporter4]

LeeannAda writes:

Quote:

then he flipped out cause i went to her and to make a long story short now she dont want to have anything to do with me ...she doesnt call here to the house,,,she makes him call her...she doesnt come to my house when i am home......she said she is tired of me cutting her throat...i only went to her as a friend ..she was supposed to be my friend too...but i guess not...i would like to know if i am in the wrong or am i right in doing what i did....i have not talked to her since i went to her but i know they have been together and talking on the computer cause he changed his passwords so i dont know them ..but i bet my life she knows them....i need advice.........can they be just friends?

I'm sure when her husband returns from overseas things will change. The fact that your 'husband' has taken up with a woman whose spouse is away fighting for his country ... sort of pathetic. Her taking up with a spoken for guy is equally pathetic. He admits to screwing someone in the past and taking drugs ...seems he's pushing his luck. Dump him .. and make sure her husband finds out what they've been up to in his absence.

[Chatty Cat]

Great suggestion DonaldPorter!! I'm sure her husband will go after them both. While you're at it OP make sure any mutual friends of yours and hers know what's been going on as well. I love it when people get what's coming to them!!

Cheers!!