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meli728
Joined: 22 Dec 2007
Posts: 50
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 Posted: Tue Oct 27, 2009 9:40 pm Post subject: Finances in a relationship |
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I am wondering how people think finances should be split in a relationship.
My boyfriend and I split everything pretty equally, with the exception of the house/bills as the house is his and we agreed it wouldn't be fair for me to pay half since my name is not on the title.
However my boyfriend makes considerably more money than I do and sometimes I feel it isn't fair that we split expenses evenly.
When he was 17 he became the general manager at the Pizza Hut in the town he was living in and was making $30,000 a year. He did not go to college but did get another good job working as a home theatre designer/installer. He is now making more than $50,000 per year. He is now 27 and has made more than 30k a year for 10 years.
I did one year of college full time and am now working part time and going to school part time. I have student loans and I make 35k less than he does per year. Currently I can't afford to buy myself much because I have to save all my money for rent/car payments/ cell phone/ going out etc. He spends a ton of money... ALL his clothes are designer (seriously, he only wears Tommy Hilfiger underwear and socks) and he recently purchased a new set of speakers... for $15k.
Also his mom lives here as well so between her rent and mine his mortgage is 80% paid, his mom pays the phone bill and he pays the others (i pay for some of the satellite).
He thinks we should split the costs of going out/purchases for the house equally but I think he could offer to pay a bit more considering he has so much more disposable income. I don't think I should pay nothing but I think half is more than I can afford. I always offer to pay when I am the one that suggests going out, but he always suggests going out to expensive places. He'll order steak or lobster or other pricey foods that I really can't afford, especially when we go to dinner usually once a week!
So... how should expenses be split? 50/50, based on income, based on who's expense it is (like who ordered what), should the guy always pay.... What are your thoughts? |
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rhtoronto
Joined: 28 Oct 2009
Posts: 7
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| Posted: Wed Oct 28, 2009 12:34 am Post subject: Treat him like a roomate |
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If your boyfriend has you paying rent and is asking you to split everything 50/50 then he's treating you more like a roomate and less like a significant other.
If you haven't been dating that long I can understand this, though as he's 27 he's getting to a point in his life where he should be becoming more responsible but perhaps not.
If you had a roomate - and not a boyfriend - you would split everything 50/50. That said you have to be careful, if a roomate wants HD tv and you can only afford bunny ears you would stand up and say that you won't pay for it. Just because your boyfriend has money doesn't mean that he can upgrade your joint living standards and expect you to pay for half of everything.
If he wants to live a life you can't afford be straight with him, if he wants HD or lobster then get him to pay for it. If you want it, then that's another matter.
If you had a rich friend that liked to go for lobster then you'd direct her to a burger joint or give excuses not to go out that week.
If the ultimate relationship goal is to get married, have kids etc etc then you will eventually have a common bank account and there will no longer be any of this 50/50 sharing - or there shouldn't be any of it. If you are in a longterm (serious) relationship then the money is a shared resource and all parties should agree to how it is spent.
I suggest you have a sitdown with your boyfriend and discuss your financial situation. If he's forcing you to spend above your means you have a problem and you should put your foot down. You can tell him that you understand that he likes to spend money but you have to be responsible and you can't afford to spend the way you do now. Come up with a budget that you both can agree on and if he wants to splurge and take you out for lobster dinner then that's up to him.
One last thing, if he's serious about your relationship he should pay off your debt. It never makes sense to me that one person in a relationship should spend spend spend while the other is frantically trying to pay off debt. |
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j-siewert
Joined: 21 Apr 2009
Posts: 74
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| Posted: Wed Oct 28, 2009 11:57 am Post subject: |
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| Quote: | | One last thing, if he's serious about your relationship he should pay off your debt. It never makes sense to me that one person in a relationship should spend spend spend while the other is frantically trying to pay off debt. |
He should not pay off your debts; that is your responsibility. You incurred them, you must repay them. If he wants to lend you cash or you need him to lend you cash, make it a formal arrangement and repay back to him. You are dating him, not his wallet.
It is better that you split expenses 50/50 because it empowers you and will give you the sense, and the reality, that you are an equal contributor to the relationship. While not easy to accomplish when there is such a difference in salaries, it is not impossible.
Discuss a mutually agreed on financial contribution plan - analysis the 'must' expenses for the house (utilities, phone, cable, mortgage/rent) and split those 50/50 (or in the case of the mother, 33/33/33). Analysis the ‘yours’ expenses (debt repayment, car insurance, your bills, your savings) and agree to pay 100% of those yourself. Analysis the 'wants' for the house (upgrades, furnishings, clothes, dinner) and allocate a set amount that you can afford - if he wants to exceed that, then he pays what he wants in excess of what you can contribute. If you are going out for dinner and offering to pay yourself, be up front and honest about a price limit that is set for the evening. Set an affordable limit and if whatever he wants to exceed it by he is responsible for. Be honest and not ashamed - money is just math, and math has no feelings.
Remember, if you were on your own, you’d be paying 100% of the ‘musts’, ‘wants’ and ‘yours’ anyways, so your kind of in a good place by having a situation where you can save by sharing.
I cannot agree with statements indicating he is treating you like a roommate rather than an significant other. I don't think your boyfriend is forcing you to do anything other that be responsible for yourself and your expenses, which everyone should be. You will feel so proud of yourself knowing that you are an equal rather than a lesser.
It is not appropriate to think the guy should always pay any longer - that is draconic and sexist - but it is appropriate to share equally to the best of your ability and comfort levels; if one person decides to exceed that level, they do so without expectation of repayment.
As an observer, it sounds like you are understandably jealous of his financial success; which is reasonable when he seems to be, quite frankly, throwing it away on luxury items. However, it is his money, he earned it, it is not yours and he can spend it as he chooses.
If you are not earning enough money, take the steps to necessary to improve your skills and earning potential. It is tough, but you will feel so much better about yourself knowing you did it on your own; suckling form another person’s wallet has…costs. Believe me when I say you do not want that cost. |
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rhtoronto
Joined: 28 Oct 2009
Posts: 7
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| Posted: Wed Oct 28, 2009 1:18 pm Post subject: |
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| j-siewert wrote: |
He should not pay off your debts; that is your responsibility. You incurred them, you must repay them. If he wants to lend you cash or you need him to lend you cash, make it a formal arrangement and repay back to him. You are dating him, not his wallet.
I cannot agree with statements indicating he is treating you like a roommate rather than an significant other. I don't think your boyfriend is forcing you to do anything other that be responsible for yourself and your expenses, which everyone should be. You will feel so proud of yourself knowing that you are an equal rather than a lesser. |
I stand by what I said - the roomate comment included.
A loan from the boyfriend to pay off the debt is still paying off the debt.
Debt is always something that should be dealt with as soon as possible.
As for the roomate comment, i think j-siewert is missing my point. Sharing money does not make you a lessor human being.
Maybe they would consider a housewife to be a lessor person, but having a smaller income - or no income at all - does not mean that you do not contribute. That said you should plan to live on your income and your income alone - relationships can fail, people can lose their jobs and if you start to live above your means you could be in for a very rough future.
| j-siewert wrote: | | However, it is his money, he earned it, it is not yours and he can spend it as he chooses. |
Yes and no.
He came into the relationship with a certain standard of living. It is unrealistic for you to expect him to drop his standard of living to your level (pre-relationship) because of your jealousy. It is also unrealistic of you to expect him to bring you up to his standard of living by funding it. That said, he needs to remember that you don't have the purchasing power that he does and flaunting designer goods in your face is disrespectful. You need to talk to him and come to an understanding of where you are both comfortable.
Remember that you both have to content with the financial status of your relationship. If either one of you are jealous or resentful it will hurt your relationship and it might not be able to recover. |
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j-siewert
Joined: 21 Apr 2009
Posts: 74
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| Posted: Wed Oct 28, 2009 3:46 pm Post subject: |
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I did not imply that housewives -- which should be house-spouses by the way to avoid the appearance of sexism -- are lesser human beings. Obviously the rules are much different in a marriage (legally binding arrangement) then in a dating situation.
I did not miss any points but instead choose to respectfully disagree with an opinion based on a personal interpretation. By indicating that he was not sharing his wealth, it was implied that he did not value her as a romantic companion. There is nothing the OP posted to support this statement and I found the opinion to be untrue and purposefully inflammatory.
There is no fact to back a statement like that up: he has not posted his version of the story and it is unfair to make a statement so definitive without more proof; it sounds like outside of money, he wants her and does value her companionship. It sounded like this opinion that she was only his roommate was a 'you go girl' rally-cry rather than a fact – and I find that stuff sexist and necessary to counter. It is unhelpful.
As for opinion, mine is that it is better to empower a person to be financially independent, responsible and self-reliant as much as possible. I do not think that the idea of being in a relationship entitles someone to a form of compensation is good advice: I think that devalues both people and perpetuates stereotypes and dependencies.
I know that there is a great deal of personal pride and happiness received from paying your own way as much as possible and this is the point I want to ensure is clear.
In reference to his money: It is his money. No 'yes and no'. It is his (even though I think it is foolishly spent) - the more she realizes that, the better off she will be, the more she will value herself and her own contributions, the faster she will get over her jealousy. Seeing herself independently as a whole person in this relationship, and her contributions as valuable regardless of him or comparison to what he contributes lets her fix this situation. Seeing herself as entitled? I disagree.
Were these two people married, it would be a very different situation; but they are dating.
This reply is not meant as an attack but to clarify only. I concur with the statement:
| Quote: | He came into the relationship with a certain standard of living. It is unrealistic for you to expect him to drop his standard of living to your level (pre-relationship) because of your jealousy. It is also unrealistic of you to expect him to bring you up to his standard of living by funding it. That said, he needs to remember that you don't have the purchasing power that he does and flaunting designer goods in your face is disrespectful. You need to talk to him and come to an understanding of where you are both comfortable.
Remember that you both have to content with the financial status of your relationship. If either one of you are jealous or resentful it will hurt your relationship and it might not be able to recover.
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rhtoronto
Joined: 28 Oct 2009
Posts: 7
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| Posted: Wed Oct 28, 2009 4:45 pm Post subject: |
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| j-siewert wrote: | | Were these two people married, it would be a very different situation; but they are dating. |
They are living together.
After a year of cohabitation your relationship is considered to be common-law.
They are also living together in a house that they share with his mother.
j-siewert, you go out of your way to "avoid the appearance of sexism" yet you were the one that made a sexist assumption.
| j-siewert wrote: | | It is not appropriate to think the guy should always pay any longer - that is draconic and sexist - but it is appropriate to share equally to the best of your ability and comfort levels; |
Would you have said the same thing if the OP was a guy? No.
I work in a male dominated field.
I have earned more than my significant other and I have earned less.
If someone is rude to me I assume that they are rude, not sexist.
If someone asks a question I don't consider the gender of the person asking the question in order to answer it.
I could spend my life correcting my male colleagues by forcing them to use gender neutral wording and I could stand at the door and protest everytime one of them opens the door for me, but I would simply look like a fool. I've never had a man protest when I've opened a door for him, they simply say thank you.
If you want gender equality then you should change your approach because it won't get you anywhere. |
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j-siewert
Joined: 21 Apr 2009
Posts: 74
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| Posted: Wed Oct 28, 2009 6:23 pm Post subject: |
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| Quote: | | Would you have said the same thing if the OP was a guy? No. |
- How exactly would you know what I would reply to this? You make the assumption that because I am male I would support the male. This is another example of your bias.
| Quote: | | If someone asks a question I don't consider the gender of the person asking the question in order to answer it. |
-- this statement is false because you just did it to me (see the above question).
| Quote: | | If you want gender equality then you should change your approach because it won't get you anywhere. |
-- how do you know what my wants or positions on this topic are? Again, you assume too much with out the facts to back up your statements.
-- the only position I have communicated is one where each person stands self-reliant. Why do you not argue that instead?
Please take any further comments you have to private messages and do not clutter this thread with defense of your bias. |
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rhtoronto
Joined: 28 Oct 2009
Posts: 7
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| Posted: Wed Oct 28, 2009 8:21 pm Post subject: |
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| I thought you were a girl |
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lyndafaye
Joined: 23 Sep 2007
Posts: 764
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| Posted: Sat Oct 31, 2009 12:28 pm Post subject: |
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Just my own thoughts and experiences here. Also a bit from my son and his wife.
If you were living on your own would you be spending the same amount on rent as you do now?
Would you be spending as much on eating out and clothes or more than you are now?
I think you should sit down with your partner and have a serious talk about finances. It sounds as if you are living near the poverty level so he can live the high life.
If you were paying way to much in rent you would probably move if you were on your own.
Ask if maybe you could cut back on your part of the rent.
Paying off your student loan on your own is a good idea but trying to do it while keeping up with his life style is not working obviously.
Now here is what my son and his wife have worked out for their situation.
They are both teachers but he makes almost 3 times as much as she does because he is a foreign teacher and she is Chinese.
They have a family fund for holidays emergencies and paying bills.
He since he makes 3X as much he puts in 3X as much into the fund. She puts in from her pay. She says this gives her the feeling that she is not living off of him. She has her own money for buying presents and clothes and he has his. But the family fund is for both of them.
Being a housewife and then a mother when we got married means that I did not ever have an income so my job was the house. My husband never cleaned but that was my doing not his. His job was working and keeping a roof over our heads and food on the table and all the entertainment we did.
But finances are the major cause of divorce and unless you can come to an agreement that suits both of you your life together will be rocky. |
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donaldporter4
Joined: 31 Oct 2009
Posts: 8
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| Posted: Sat Oct 31, 2009 6:59 pm Post subject: |
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Meli writes:
| Quote: | He thinks we should split the costs of going out/purchases for the house equally but I think he could offer to pay a bit more considering he has so much more disposable income. I don't think I should pay nothing but I think half is more than I can afford. I always offer to pay when I am the one that suggests going out, but he always suggests going out to expensive places. He'll order steak or lobster or other pricey foods that I really can't afford, especially when we go to dinner usually once a week!
So... how should expenses be split? 50/50, based on income, based on who's expense it is (like who ordered what), should the guy always pay.... What are your thoughts? |
What a nightmare if you two end up going your own way.
At some point in the past he asked you to move into his home. Did he attach to that otherwise romantic gesture the provision that you are to pay half the mortgage, purchases etc?
Here's the thing ... I would say that the male would prefer to pay for things ..it makes him feel needed. For so doing the female typically acquires things for the home etc. The common law union is not a business partnership, which is what you appear to be describing ...its suppose to be a loving relationship in which each contributes what they can. Whether your contribution is in keeping the home or in buying groceries or whatever ...the idea is that what is his is yours and yours is his. I think people get there nose out of joint when the other side isn't keeping up there end.
Charging his own mother rent? (no comment) |
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meli728
Joined: 22 Dec 2007
Posts: 50
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| Posted: Sun Nov 01, 2009 12:50 pm Post subject: |
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OK... I need to clear some things up.
I do not expect him to pay for my loans, they are mine. I only put it in there to make the point that he has made a good living without needing to go to school but I am only 21 and have student loans still. I also want to go back to school part-time (besides night classes, they don't have the courses I want) and to work part time but cannot afford it.
When we first moved in together in 2007 he was renting a place with his mom (not living in her home). His parent's house had been foreclosed in 2005 b/c his mom and dad didn't pay for it (his mom however has over 100 pairs of designer jeans and over 400 designer tops that she paid for.....). In 2008 he decided to buy a house instead of putting his money (rent) into a home that wasn't his. I wanted to wait until I had a stable job and could afford to pay more but he didn't. The place he (we) bought has an in-law suite which we paid extra for so his mom could live with us or she would be homeless right now.... she doesn't believe in working full-time.....
As far as household expenses he pays for the necessary things like heat, fixing the furnace, repairs to the home, etc. We split the costs of items for the home, like furniture and other household items.
I think part of the reason he doesn't think much he should be paying a bit more than me is b/c he knows my parents have money and his don't. My parent's aren't at all rich but if I went up to them and asked for a few thousand dollars for something I needed they would give it to me with no expectations of when/if I will pay it back.
My dad recently purchased some shelves from a company his work deals with for my b/f to use for the home theatre equipment (to store all in a closet). They were $500 but my dad wouldn't take money for him. I think b/c of these things he expects I can get money from my parents if needed, but I don't think it's fair for me to. They are my parent's. Not a bank.
Also, while I agree that some of his purchases are foolish he isn't stupid with his money. He invests at least $1000 a month and updates his budget every week, I was just pointing out that he has enough extra cash to not think twice about buying all designer labels. |
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ChattysGuy
Joined: 05 Nov 2009
Posts: 10
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| Posted: Sat Nov 07, 2009 8:02 am Post subject: |
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| Why didn't you put that information in the original post. Instead you slanted everything your way. Now you feel guilty, maybe he's going to check your history and see that you've been posting, read what you wrote and dump you. So now you're trying to get in front of it by conveying the entire truth. You're lucky you have a roof over your head. |
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KharmicKhaos
Joined: 14 Nov 2009
Posts: 10
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| Posted: Thu Nov 19, 2009 4:17 pm Post subject: An example of entitlement! |
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| ChattysGuy wrote: | | Why didn't you put that information in the original post. Instead you slanted everything your way. Now you feel guilty, maybe he's going to check your history and see that you've been posting, read what you wrote and dump you. So now you're trying to get in front of it by conveying the entire truth. You're lucky you have a roof over your head. |
Meli seems to be the reason that prenups should be mandatory because some people feel entitled to others hard work and careful planning. |
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