Spousal Depression

[rlarade]

Hi. My spouse lost his 49yo mother 3 years ago to aggressive cancer just shortly after our son was born. He never really grieved over her and is having a very hard time with her loss. Shortly after her passing his father started dating another woman and has been spending more time with her than his own children. He spends very little time with his children, who are all adults, and he claims that since they all have families of their own that they don;t need him anymore. In saying that, he has basically lost his father emotionally as well. My husband is in a union and he ended up getting a longterm job, about 2 years or so, last October which takes him 7 hours away from home. He is up there alone with noone but his coworkers.
Saying all that, my husband, since then, has gone into a downward spiral emotionally, whether it is depression or not, I'm not sure but I suspect so. I told him to see our doctor but I think he is afraid and also worried about being medicated for it even if he needs it. All this has affected our relationship greatly and he doesn't even know how he feels for me anymore and I'm worried he's going to leave. All he can ever say when I ask him about things is "I don't know." He says he has no problems with me but he just doesn't feel the same about me anymore. We will be married 5 years very shortly. I told him that of course things aren't going to be the same as when we were first married; we aren't in "puppy love" anymore. His sister and I are very close and I talk to her about it all the time, she keeps me sane cause she lets me get everything off my chest. She feels that it is his mothers loss and the issues with his father that are really the problem and is depressing him. She thinks that its his depression over the other issues that is affecting us.
I have tried my best to help and he is considering seeing a therapist but I don't know what else to do. I'm trying to be supportive but I'm just so frustrated, confused, angry, upset, terrified and so many other emotions all rolled into one that I don't know what to say or do anymore. I feel like I'm on eggshells all the time worried about if I say or do something that it's going to make him worse or leave.
I feel in a way that everything is going to be OK but I also worry that I'm just being naive with an "it can't happen to me" frame of mind. I guess I'm just hoping that someone can give me some advice on what to do and from an outside perspective if they think my marriage is heading down the drain or not. I will thoroughly appreciate any advice or comments anyone can give. Thank you.

[princess punkin]

The therapist may be the best thing for him. Sometimes talking to a neutral party or someone who specializes in grief can be very helpful. Also let him know what you are feeling. Tell him that this is hard not being able to help him with whatever is bothering him. Support the decision to talk to someone. Then go from there.

[foxy_chicka]

I agree that seeing a therapist would be the best thing for him and the relationship. It's very important that you get him to the doctor or a mental health professional for a depression assessment and treatment recommendations. Schedule the appointment if you have to, take off from work and accompany him to the appointment. It's important that you encourage him the best you can, ask his sister and/or one of his close friends to help you encourage him. By realizing that you all just want what's best for him, his health and his life, he might be more encouraged to take action.

[Jenster]

It does sound like his is suffering from depression. I suffer from depression myself and it took me years to get the help I needed. Now I feel great and I wish I went for help long time ago.
All you can do is to do what you are doing now. Being supportive and encourage him to seek help. You should also seek councilling individually and as a couple. It can help save your marriage.

[Stinkmo]

Maybe try explaining what its like for you to him... tell him the impact his suffering has had on you and your life and how you feel about your relationship, him and yourself. Sometimes we are willing to do something for others once we know how much it is hurting them before we are able to do it for ourselves.

[princess punkin]

On the other hand of the last statement, sometimes they know they are causing it and don't do anything to fix it until it is to late. IE my situation. He has been causing me grief for months and only when I asked him to leave that he finally went and got help for his issues. He told me he wanted to fix them but never did anything to fix them. He thought that it would just go away. It didn't and now we are not living together anymore.

Be prepared for both situations and I hope your spouse goes with the first option rather then what happened to me.

[kardav864]

I suffer from severe chronic, treatment resistant depression. I know how hard this is on my husband and we talk about it quite a lot. It has had an impact on our relationship, but for the most part I am lucky as my husband is very patient and understanding. Even knowing how hard this is on him, I still cannot always function at a level that would be better for him. I do the best that I can, but sometimes it's not good enough and that makes things a bit dicy from time to time. Depression is not simply being sad, and too many people thank that you can just "snap" out of it. That's not possible and unfortunately for me, because I have had so many depression setbacks, it gets harder and harder each time to find a treatment that works.
The one thing we have done is to educate ourselves about depression. That has made a big difference in how we deal with my depression.
I have a wonderful psychiatrist who works with both of us, sometimes we have sessions that involve us both. Finding a good doctor is the best thing that we did.