6 ways to clean up your home life

6. Relationships that hurt
No doubt you've been involved in at least one toxic relationship. Perhaps it was with the friend who exuded concern, then betrayed your most intimate confessions. Or maybe you had a live-in boyfriend who was irresistibly attractive but expected you to pay all the bills. Or you may have worked with someone who constantly belittled you in front of others.

Toxic relationships create the most poisonous of inner clutter. They can lead to unrelenting stress, self-doubt, anxiety and even depression. “You're in trouble if you're crying nonstop or unable to sleep or eat,” says Johanna Vanderpol, an author and emotional coach based in Duncan, B.C. A toxic relationship is like “an ice pick that chips away at the mortar that holds our self-esteem together,” says Vanderpol. “It hurts and hurts until, eventually, we feel dead inside.”

If a relationship lacks respect and trust, if you're constantly being criticized or put down, or if you're continually on edge, then it's time to step back and make some changes.

The fix
• Take responsibility. Assess your role in the relationship. Are you encouraging the toxic behaviour?

• Think positively. Find a strength you admire in the person with whom you feel a strain and focus on that. This can often shift a relationship and is especially important in work and family situations.

• Talk straight. An honest conversation might repair the relationship. If you find this difficult, enlist counselling assistance to hone assertiveness skills. It is money well spent.

• Limit contact. Step back if the dynamic continues. Send an e-mail instead of calling. Reduce get-togethers.

• Release the relationship. If the hurting behaviour continues, gather up your self-esteem and move on. You don't have to tolerate any kind of mistreatment.

• Examine yourself. We often repeat relationship patterns. Assess why this one attracted you and how the mental clutter it caused affected you. Choose the relationships that are right for you.

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