Conquering fear

Luana wrote:
My greatest fear is another panic attack.

For five years I have dealt with panic attacks. They began for no reason -- a fear of fire and a fear of traffic and car accidents. Mind you, I have never been in a situation with either!

When I was 19, I got my driver's license learner's permit. I saved up, bought my first car and learned to drive. Soon after, and before I ever made it to testing for my license, I began to become so afraid of other drivers' actions that I avoided driving. I stopped because I was afraid that my reactions to other vehicles would be unsafe on the road and it was probably a very good decision.

After I moved in with my now-husband, we had a small second-story apartment. A few months after moving in, I realized that if there was ever a fire, there weren't many ways out. My nightly dinner cooking went from enjoyable, to microwave only, to non-existent, just in case I started a fire. I would lay in bed at night, thinking of my escape route and how I could get the cats out of the window safely, so they still couldn't get into the street and then be hit by a car in my efforts to save them.

About a month ago, I was home alone with my young daughter. We were playing in the rec room. Suddenly, I was convinced that the house was on fire. I looked around, and swore I smelled and saw smoke.

I ripped out all of the electronics' plugs and scrambled on rubber knees up the stairwell with my daughter, striving to remain clam. My heart was pounding, my legs weren't working and I could hardly breathe. I took my daughter to the neighbour and asked her to watch her a moment. At this point, I knew it was a panic attack, not fire, but I was convinced I was going to die, or at least pass out, from the pounding in my chest and the absolute terror I felt. I was afraid for my daughter to be alone if I were to lose consciousness.

That was judgment day for me; my job as a mother is to protect my child, and to give her a safe home. How could she feel safe if I didn't?

I made an appointment with our family doctor and felt strangely shy and embarrassed while trying to explain what was happening to me. I was waiting to hear, "It's all in your head; you're stressed out, just relax." But instead, I heard "You are very strong to have tried to manage severe panic like this for so long. You have severe panic disorder and you are perfectly normal and we can help."

I was elated. Normal? Strong? Those are the last words I expected to hear, and they made me feel so very hopeful. I didn't need to be ashamed!

I am now taking Paxil, just once a day, and will be seeing a psychologist in the new year. I already feel much better and each time I'm in the car on a busy street, I'm waiting for the panic to strike, but it hasn't. I still do not drive, but I am hoping that when I am sure that I am doing well enough, that I will go for my license.

I am so glad that I finally asked for help, and I realize how I could have helped myself long ago, if I had not allowed shame to get in my way. I am doing better every day, and I
have a normal life now. I can do normal things with my family that I was too afraid of before!

Luana McDonald
Peterborough, Ont

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