A homemaker came in every day to help care for the kids while I went for treatment and Gord looked for work. One homemaker in particular was a huge help. She would make me sit in a comfortable chair when I got home from my treatment and cover me in a blanket. She made me a sandwich or an Ensure shake, and made sure I took some food in. I had wasted away to 104 pounds – not much for someone who is five feet, five inches tall. I had also lost all the hair from the back of my head.
It was during this bleak period that I had the dream that would literally serve as my "wake-up call." I promised myself right then that when I got better I would not waste any time; I would pursue only those things that were fulfilling and healthy.
I also vowed to help others, as a payback for the kindness and assistance I received during my illness. I enrolled in a social work evening class at the local college even though I was frail and withdrawn. I felt I had to do something.
Gradually, I got better. But every spring was a reminder of my diagnosis, surgery and treatment. And although I was physically better, I still didn't feel better mentally.
Struggling to put cancer in the past
On Easter weekend four years later, I was having a particularly difficult time. I felt stuck, unable to get past being a cancer survivor. I spent a happy few days colouring paper bunnies and Easter eggs with my kids, but there was something missing. I woke up early Easter Sunday when the house was still quiet and took the dog for a walk. We now lived in a new subdivision of Chilliwack, B.C., full of empty fields. We walked through the mud and looked at the new grass poking up. We climbed a small hill and startled a duck that quacked loudly and flew off.
As we walked, I went over the same things in my mind, trying, once again, to make sense of it all. Yes, I had beaten cancer and was still alive, but why had I suffered and survived when my brother hadn't? And how long would I continue to survive? Every lump, bump, bruise or cough terrified me because it might be the beginning of a recurrence.
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