Ramanna returned and asked me if I had held her yet. I told him I hadn't. He gently told me how important it was to hold her and to say goodbye. But how do you say goodbye to your hopes and dreams? To the future you had imagined and to this child that you loved so much? It felt like I had been hit by a truck as I realized that I would have to live the rest of my life without my daughter. I won't make it, I thought. I will literally die of a broken heart.
With Ramanna's help, I finally gathered the strength to hold my little girl. No words can express my gratitude to him for helping me find that strength. I now understand that I didn't want to hold her because it would inevitably lead to me having to let her go. As my husband placed Elizabeth in my arms, I felt the last remnants of numbness leave my body. I hugged her and kissed her perfect face and tiny lips, just as I had done when I held my other children for the first time.
My husband and I stayed in the room with her for hours, until the time came to say goodbye – forever.
We had planned a full funeral. I am so thankful that everyone I care about had the opportunity to say goodbye and to pay tribute to Elizabeth's short but very meaningful life.
Supportive friends and family
The weeks after her funeral were a blur. Most of our friends did their best to comfort us any way they could.
But not all of them. The social worker at the hospital had tried to prepare us for the possibility that some friends would not or could not be there for us. This was sadly the case. Some friends didn't know what to say, so they said and did nothing. Pregnant friends turned away – perhaps fearing that a baby's death is contagious.
Some friends even told us that we were lucky we never got to know our baby. It's a common myth that parents of stillborn babies don't miss their children because they never took a breath outside the womb. We miss our baby just as any parent misses a child who was born alive.
The days following Elizabeth's funeral were unbearably long. My arms ached to hold her, and I awoke each morning and prayed that I would look down and see my pregnant belly. I was living a nightmare, and even though I was getting lots of exercise and eating well, I had to resist the urge to drown myself in a bottle of Merlot. I couldn't stop crying and felt totally hopeless.
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