I'm a "take-charge" person and when something goes wrong, I want to fix it. The problem for me during that time was that there was nothing I could do to fix things for my family. I wanted to crawl into bed and never come out.
That obviously wasn't an option with a husband battling cancer and two young children to care for. Instead, I became my husband's advocate. The Internet became my new best friend; I spent hours researching experimental therapies, new medications and leading treatment centres. I accompanied Tony to all his medical appointments, bringing a long list of questions for his doctors. It wasn't that I didn't trust these medical professionals; it's just that I believe we should be active partners in our own health care. Besides, looking for a miracle was my way of coping.
A memorable trip
In March 2006, we spent a blissful family vacation in Cuba. The boys frolicked in the ocean with tropical fish, and we all took long walks together on the beach. Tony even tried his hand at parasailing. I charged the trip to my credit card because we didn't have the money, but I didn't care.
And it was worth every penny. Although he'd recently had his third operation, Tony looked and felt good. I always told people he was the "healthiest-looking sick guy you could ever meet." I wanted to squeeze as many happy memories as possible into the time we had left.
I knew that wouldn't last, though. Not long after we returned home from our trip, we learned that Richard did not have the gene mutation that causes FAP but that Mathieu did. Once more, Tony and I cried together before telling the boys. At 12, Richard knew what the results meant. Mathieu was only nine, but he understood that he has "the same disease as Daddy." Within months his first colonoscopy showed that he already has benign polyps in his colon. He will be monitored regularly, and to keep him cancer-free he will probably have his colon surgically removed before he turns 18.
By the spring of 2007, the tumours in Tony's liver had spread to his bones and were causing him pain. He was weak and spent most of every day sleeping. In April, I took a leave from my job to be by his side. He had always been my soft place to fall whenever I was going through a hard time and now I wanted to be his. I had a huge circle of friends to rely on and family not too far away in Ottawa. To keep friends and family informed, I created a blog called "One Day at a Time." Somewhere along the journey with cancer, I had learned to live life that way.
Every day I made sure Tony ate a little and took his pain medicine. I also worked hard to put his mind at ease; he was worried about who would cut the grass or handle car repairs when he was gone. It tore me apart to think of life without him, but I wanted him to believe that we'd be OK without him.
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