How to organize an intervention

The reality, says Maté, is that most addicts or people with serious problems (think, a loved one who is severely depressed and refuses to take medication or go for counselling) aren't going to give up their addiction or get treatment for an illness simply because they're confronted with the fact. "People are only going to change when there's motivation to change," adds Nixon. "They will do so when healthy and positive alternatives are placed in front of them, and they feel a new way of doing things is possible."

And what are those possibilities? Given that addiction is often a response to a sense of not being loved or accepted unconditionally for who one is, says Maté, his answer is "love them." If someone you care for is using their addictions because they're ashamed of themselves or think very little of themselves, give them unconditional acceptance, Maté adds. "When they see that they don't need to fill these gaps in their emotions with their addiction, they will change," he concludes.

Expert advice
Experts recommend that loved ones seek professional guidance in dealing with their own emotional issues involving their relationships with an addict. And most treatment centres and addictions agencies in Canada offer counselling and support groups.

Several years ago, Sarah (remember her husband is the alcoholic who would not get help) enrolled in a group at her local hospital. She herself was beginning to suffer from depression. It took about three years of attending the group, but she eventually learned to detach herself emotionally and physically from her husband's behaviour. Sarah turned her focus from what is wrong with him, to what is good about her life."Mark knows I don't want anything to do with him when he drinks," she says. "And I don't. We lead separate lives."

While Mark has never admitted that he has a drinking problem, Sarah's now 25-year-old daughter did. Two years ago Cathy* was spending most of her time at her boyfriend's house so her mother did not see how much she was drinking. Unlike her dad, Cathy reached out for help after her boyfriend confronted her. "He didn't like my mood swings," she says. "I would go from happy to miserable and lash out at him in a matter of hours. I was going to lose the relationship, so I started looking inward and saw that I had a problem, like my dad."

Cathy returned home and asked her mother for help. Sarah bundled her daughter into the car and took her for treatment at Toronto's Jean Tweed Centre, an addiction counselling centre for women. While Cathy was in her program, Sarah took one, too, for loved ones. Cathy has relapsed once since then, "but my mother stood by me," she says. "She reminds me every day how well I am doing. She's always positive. She motivates me, even when I have bad days and want a drink."

Sarah adds, "My daughter was willing to face her problem while her father never did. And that, from my experience, is the difference between who benefits from outside help and who doesn't."

*Names have been changed.

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