Dating advice: What to do when he stops calling

By: Jen Kirsch

© Author: Canadian Living Credits: ©


Dating advice: What to do when he stops calling

By: Jen Kirsch
In the dating world, there is nothing more perplexing than hitting it off with someone and assuming things are going great only to have that person suddenly disappear without a word.

Jenn Berman, therapist and host of VH1's Couple Therapy, says there are many different reasons men go MIA.

But, instead of trying to figure out those reasons (which you may never know for sure anyway), it's important to avoid pointing the finger at yourself. Berman offers six tips on how to deal when he disappears.

1. Know that not everyone is compatible
There are myriad reasons someone you're seeing might suddenly stop calling. He may be seeing a few people and someone else caught his eye. He may have become distracted with work or other stressors. He might not have been ready for a serious relationship. He might even have intimacy issues. The point is that something got in the way of him taking the relationship any further.

"A big part of dating is compatibility," Berman says. When initial feelings fade away, the person you were with might realize you aren't compatible with them, and this could be due to any number of reasons that are beyond your control, she explains.

2. Understand that he didn't have the courage to face you
Wouldn't it be great if he could just let you know why he's no longer interested so you don't have to try to figure it out on your own? In an ideal world, yes. But some men don't like to hurt women, see them cry or have to explain themselves, says Berman. "It's easier to wimp out and avoid the conflict. It's easier to slink away than it is to be a man and say, 'Hey, this really isn't working for me.'"

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3. Don't let it shake your confidence
Having someone you were falling for stop calling can be a big blow to your self-esteem but, if he disappeared, he wasn't the right person for you.

"When you're in that negative mindset, remind yourself he's not the last man in the world, there are other men out there and you don't want to be with a man who doesn't want to be with you," advises Berman. "We like to think there is a specific formula, a specific answer to why someone left. But the bottom line is: It doesn't matter. If he's not the right guy for you, then you don't want him."

4. Avoid contacting him
You might be dying to know if you did something to push him away or if he ran into his ex, but don't reach for the phone: Accept the fact that if he was going to share that information with you, he would have. "I don't think it's OK to track someone down if he's saying he is not interested in you," says Berman. Even if he didn't actually say it aloud, he is saying it with his actions. By contacting him, you likely aren't going to change the outcome, she explains.

5. Stay calm and move on
While you might be angry about his behaviour, try to avoid holding on to your negative feelings and continually analyzing the situation with friends. "It's important to be able to reach out to friends and get support from people closest to you, but I don't recommend getting too worked up about it," says Berman.

Rather than enlisting friends to bad-mouth him along with you, let them help you move on. "We need friends to help us de-escalate the situation to help us grieve that loss," she advises. This will ensure you don't feel alone in your angst, but will also help take your emotions down a few notches.

Try to move on as soon as you can. Endlessly searching for answers will only keep you stuck in the situation -- a situation he already checked out of. We often refer to a great catch that disappeared as "the one who got away," but it's important to note that, if he were really the one, he wouldn't have gone anywhere.

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Dating advice: What to do when he stops calling