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Q: Dear Karinna,
Every time I go out with a guy, I find something that I'm not happy with and pull away right away. For example, one guy used a coupon on our first date and another one waited days and weeks to text me back, so I told him to forget it. I don't want to waste my time, but am I ending things too quickly?
– Wondering when to cut loose, N.
A: Dear N.,
I believe the signs are always written on the wall from the very beginning. When you see "glaring" signs in a date's personality characteristics that will just not work for you in the long-term, then it is important to move away from falling into that possible relationship speedily.
From the characteristics that you described, I think your reactions were valid. These guys seem to need "How not to turn a date off boot camp!" And it is not your responsibility to take them through those hoops. Their bar is way too low.
Unfortunately, it seems that you are attracting these men who have these red flags, and the question to ask yourself now is Why?
The ability to attract a partner who has the emotional openness and generosity that you desire in your life is directly in proportion to how open you are on a consistent basis – how emotionally generous you actually are, and how confident you are in your judgment of character.
Be sure to act in a way that will attract the sort of person that you want in your life –and before long, you will find a guy who pays in full for the first date and calls you afterward, to boot!
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Q: Dear Karinna,
I don't know what to do. I have a boyfriend but I love someone else. I'm not telling my friends because I don't want them to pity me. What should I do?
– I'm in love with someone else, P.
A: Dear P.,
First of all, it's understandable that you are in a lot of pain. If you are living a double life, lying to your boyfriend and your friends, you can't feel good about yourself.
The first thing to do is figure out why you have fallen in love with someone else. Start by asking yourself:
1. Is it for excitement?
2. Is it because it is taboo?
3. Are you not getting what you need in your relationship with your boyfriend? Does the new person meet your needs more than your boyfriend?
It is important to decide what it is that you want in a relationship and if either person – your boyfriend or the other person – actually has the qualities that you need to have a truly fulfilling relationship.
Secondly, it is important to tell the truth. Let your boyfriend know what is happening.
Maybe you are not in love anymore, or you don't feel that you have the connection that will bring you long-term fulfillment, or perhaps you want to see other people.
Be honest so that you can stop your own suffering and causing harm to anyone else. Even if this means losing your boyfriend, by being honest, you will gain yourself again.
Karinna Kittles-Karsten is an internationally recognized love educator and keynote speaker on creating high quality LOVE in our personal relationships as well as global connectivity. She is author of the best-selling book, Intimate Wisdom, The Sacred Art of Love, and the creator/host of the popular DVD Sacred Love-Making. For more information visit www.sacredlove.com.
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