How to have a sex life newlyweds would envy

Author: Canadian Living


How to have a sex life newlyweds would envy

Which scenario best matches your sex life?

Adam and Eve have been married for 10 years. They're beginning to avoid apples because:
a) they're exhausted and spend all their free time with their kids
b) Eve's still angry Adam hasn't ever taken out the trash
c) they've been together so long it's getting a little, well, dull
d) Eve, to be honest, has always found things a little dull

If you empathize with Eve, maybe it's time to put the spark back in your relationship. Susan Jeffers, author of Lasting Love (Jeffers Press, 2005) emphasizes, "[sex] offers an intimacy that is very, very special. And without that, something is missing." Jeffers, an author of 18 self-help books, is a 67-year-old grandmother who celebrated her 20th wedding anniversary in August 2006. She reveals the joys of a great long-term relationship: "Let me tell you, honey, the sex only gets better."

For a lot of couples, of course, the sex only gets worse. Real life interrupts that mad, passionate love you had on your honeymoon, leaving you and your partner frustrated. Here are four common problems that can hinder your sex life, plus easy ways to fix the issues that stand in the way of your passion.

a) They're exhausted and their kids take all their free time
"Too often, children come into the picture, or work comes into the picture, and the relationship is no longer the priority," says Jeffers. "People are overworked, and they're tired."

The easiest way to make each other a priority again is to set aside time to be together. Incorporate one-on-one time into your routine by picking a set time every week, like a Saturday night date or a weekend away. Jeffers and her husband, Mark, take every Saturday and Sunday morning to themselves – even friends and family know they'll be "busy" before 11 a.m.

b) Eve's still angry Adam hasn't ever taken out the trash
"When I was angry and resentful with my first husband, believe me, I had no desire for sex," says Jeffers. In this case, lack of interest is merely a symptom of a more important problem. Lasting Love includes some exercises to address underlying issues that can make their way into your relationship.

One exercise Jeffers recommends is "the mirror": Think about what neediness or anxiety is making you react in a certain way, rather than focusing on your husband's behaviour. For example, when Jeffers's husband decided he wanted to go out a few times a month to watch soccer, she was resentful. Using "the mirror," she realized she could solve the problem by becoming more self-reliant and finding something nice to do for herself while her husband was away.

Another Jeffers-recommended exercise is being actively grateful for your husband; saying to yourself, "he still hasn't put out the trash, but I love having him in my life, and he's spent all day playing with our daughter." After all, a great relationship encourages a great sex life. Jeffers explains a dynamic she has with her husband, "I'm very attracted to him – but it's the love that makes him attractive."

Page 1 of 2 -- Could your love life use a little extra spice? Find out what toys to try to kick up the heat on page 2.

c) They've been together so long it's getting a little, well, dull
Do you believe your sex drive will naturally decrease with age? Take heart. It's just a cultural myth, says Jeffers. "Science is proving that sex improves with age – people in their 80s and 90s are still having sex." And what many lovebirds dread most – routine – can actually be perfect for getting in the mood (especially if it's been tailored over the years). If you successfully communicate what you like – all the easier when you know what you like – your routine can be practised and perfected, not humdrum. "Routine doesn't mean boring... it can become a ritual of love," says Jeffers.

d) Eve, to be honest, has always found things a little dull
If you most relate to option d), it sounds like you need to get creative. Jeffers suggests starting at your local sex shop.

Carlyle Jansen, owner and founder of Good for Her, a women's sex shop in Toronto, advises partners to come in together to see what sparks your mutual interest. What can you expect? Most couples who are new to sex shops choose something that can pleasure both partners, like a small vibrator, or the recent trend of vibrating cock rings. (How popular are they? Just check the condom aisle of your locacl drug store for Durex's new playthings). Or you could pick up some erotic reading material and read to each other.

If this all seems a little embarrassing, you can always shop online ( or ask questions via e-mail. And if you're not too creative – yet – there are always workshops focusing on erotic massage or tantric sex to check out. The latter is popular with people who have been together for a while, says Jansen, because "it brings the spiritual and the emotional element together explicitly in the sexual experience."

If your sex life has been lifeless of late, take control with some of the suggestions listed above. Maybe then, you can proudly add option e) "they love apples!" as the choice that best represents you and your partner in the multiple-choice question. With a loving relationship, creativity, communication and the time to act on your desires, the passion in your relationship is sure to reach new heights.

How do ya like them apples?

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How to have a sex life newlyweds would envy