We checked in with Lou Paget, AASECT certified sex educator and bestselling author of The Great Lover Playbook (Gotham, 2005), to learn how to turn up the heat between the sheets.
CanadianLiving.com: Typically, when do things start to cool down in the bedroom for a couple?
Lou Paget: After about six months, when the realities of daily life, children and work eat up your time. When you're first together, your priority is usually the person you're with and you feel like you have to see them and make the time. Then you become more comfortable and you aren't as driven. The connection is often stronger as there isn't the same degree of uncertainty about feelings as there was in the beginning.
CL.com: Why does this happen?
LP: Not enough time and being tired are the two biggest robbers of intimacy. Partners start down a slippery slope of taking their partner for granted. It's a bad idea. No one will take care of your relationship and if you aren't paying attention to it, someone or something else just might!
CL.com: How do you broach the subject with your partner, that you feel like things are becoming a little too hum-drum?
LP: Let them know you want to try something new with them. There's no need to say, 'I'm bored'. Take a more 'glass half-full' approach by saying, "I'd like to try
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CL.com: What should you do if your partner is unreceptive to the suggestion of trying new things?
LP: The problem may be the way the subject is introduced. Or your partner may feel judged and not good enough. This is often the case for men over 40. Regarding vibrators: I have yet to meet a man who can oscillate at 5,000 RPM!
CL.com: If your partner IS receptive, what kinds of new things can you try to heat things up in the bedroom?
LP: Change where you do things in your bedroom. Switch sides of the bed. With oral sex, try it with your legs over his shoulders at the side of the bed! The one thing I would caution anyone against doing is making a video of themselves.
CL.com: What are real mood-killers, things you should NOT do in the bedroom?
LP: Don't turn the TV on. That's equal to having a third person in the room. Don't discuss the next day's to-do list; do that while vertical, not horizontal! Don't discuss parental duties; this is the time when you have to try to shift to a 'partner connection'. Don't leave your door unlocked when you're involved!
CL.com: What advice do you have for couples who want to keep the passion alive? How do you fan the flames of romance on a regular basis?
LP: Attention, attention, attention! Your most seductive behaviour is paying attention, like small gestures that let your partner know they are on your mind. Maintain daily updates and contact to create a shared emotional history and connection.
Natalie Bahadur is the Senior Editor of styleathome.com and is a regular contributor to CanadianLiving.com.
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