How to improve your sex life

By: Jen Kirsch

© Author: Canadian Living Credits: ©


How to improve your sex life

By: Jen Kirsch
Long-term relationships become comfortable, which isn't a bad thing -- but with comfort can come routine. And when it comes to sex, routine can easily lead to getting stuck in a rut.

If your sex life isn't what it used to be, there are some simple but effective ways to heat things up with your partner.

Licensed psychotherapist Jenn Berman, the host of both The Love and Sex Show with Dr. Jenn on Sirius XM Satellite Radio and VH1's Couples Therapy, says it's important to spice up your sex life because it makes sex more fun and more frequent and allows couples to feel more connected both physically and emotionally. She offers five tips on how to bring more excitement into the bedroom.

1. Sex begets sex
"Not having sex makes you not want to have sex," explains Berman. "In order to get out of a rut, what it takes is having sex."

Having sex gets your mind and body worked up and actually causes your hormone levels to change, she adds. This works to remind you of what a healthy sex life feels like and of the positive benefits sex can bring to your life and your relationship. So instead of following the same dull, sexless routine, make an effort to increase the intimacy in your relationship. The greater the effort you make, the more sex will become a consistent and enjoyable part of your relationship.

2. Prep for sex like you did at the beginning
Not in the mood for sex? You may want to think back to the start of your relationship. "A lot of the time I get calls on my radio show from women who say they're just not in the mood or they're just not turned on. What I've learned is they are not preparing for sex like they did at the beginning," explains Berman.

Think back to when you first started dating your partner and all of the things you did to prepare for a sexy date. It's important to shave your legs, get a bikini wax, put on or buy new lingerie and think about what you like to do to excite your partner. "These are all really important to get yourself looking forward to sex," Berman advises.

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3. Try new things
It's very easy to get into a rut and sometimes you need to work hard to get out of it. One thing that is exciting about sex with a new partner is the unknown, so try infusing the unknown into your sex life for some added excitement.

"It's nice to shake it up and try something different and challenging, and even something on the edge," says Berman. "Try new positions, read erotica and pull out the blindfolds," she suggests.

Before you engage in sex, get your mind into the right headspace by reminding yourself that you are going to try something new and that you're going to challenge yourself for this round in the bedroom.

4. Know yourself inside and out
Learn what turns you on and what pleases you and then show your partner. "It's so important for women to know their bodies well -- to know what turns them on and to be responsible for their own orgasms," says Berman. "What works for a woman one year may not work for her the next year."

In short, you need to take responsibility for your sex life. Men are not mind readers, so you need to show your partner what you enjoy and then ensure that he incorporates that into your sex life, she advises.

5. Make time for sex
During the honeymoon phase and initial phases of a relationship, both partners want sex all the time. It's new, it's exciting and there is so much to discover about one another. But when you are in a long-term relationship, you and your partner may not always want to have sex at the same time.

"If you wait for both partners to want sex at the same time, you can be waiting years," says Berman. "Be open to letting your partner get you in the mood, even when you don't feel like it, because sex is the glue that keeps people connected," she explains.

If your partner likes to have morning sex and you're more of a night person, remind yourself that, once you get started, you always enjoy it. If you get the ball rolling, he will likely do the same at times that are less convenient for him.

Like every other aspect of a relationship, sex should be treated with importance. By following Berman's tips you can ensure things with your partner won't get stale behind closed doors.

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How to improve your sex life