The top 10 ways to vamp up your sex life

Author: Canadian Living


The top 10 ways to vamp up your sex life

Hands up: who's not interested in better sex? That's what we thought. Dr. Trina Read, Canadian sexologist and author of Till Sex Do Us Part: Make Your Married Sex Irresistible (Key Porter Books, 2009), knows how to grab and keep our interest.

Here, Dr. Read shares with us her secrets about rekindling fabulous, sensuous contact with our significant other. Here are her top 10 tips.

1. Communicate
As we've been told over and over again, communication is the key to a good relationship. According to Dr. Read, it's also the key to great sex. "Communication is the cornerstone of any good sex life. When we first meet our partner, we usually only have positive things to say about them - and the sex. After a few years together, the communication dynamic goes from positive, to awkward, to (frequently) a negative fighting around the topic of sex. Couples start walking on egg shells and don't often feel comfortable talking about sex - so it's incredibly difficult to make a loving, sexual relationship."

Dr. Read recommends engaging in ongoing discussions with your partner about your sex life. "Regardless of whether your present life circumstance is good or bad, you are communicating your way through it. It's much easier to laugh about things you openly discuss than when there's zero communication," she says.

But how to communicate without embarrassment - or worse, blaming one another? Read on to find out.

2. Write...then talk
Dr. Read says that writing out your feeling or concerns before you talk with your partner can help you communicate more effectively. "If you don't feel comfortable talking sex, then write an e-mail or letter. Once your partner has had time to consider your note, sit down (side by side – like in a car) and talk it through," she says.

3. Fantasize
This step sounds like fun, doesn't it? "Focus on what you want your sexual relationship to be, instead of what it already is. This new focus creates your reality. If you only focusing on how your sex life stinks, you will keep perpetuating a less than satisfying sex life," Dr. Read suggests.

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4. Talk just facts
Avoid oh-so-treacherous emotional traps, Dr. Read explains. She encourages speaking in terms of facts, rather than feelings. "Instead of saying, ‘We never have sex’, say, ‘We’ve had sex once over the last three months'," she says.

A couple won't get anywhere arguing about feelings, but will make headway when they discuss the facts.

5. Learn to love your body
What happens to your sex life if you don’t believe you're sexy? And how many of your think your breasts are too small, or hips are too large?

Dr. Read's solution to our insecurities: Get over yourself!

"Body-worth starts from the inside. The best way to start loving your body is to take the best care you can of it. When we start paying special attention to our body, we start to gain an appreciation for ourselves," she says.

6. Be single-minded
Remember when you were single and in lust with your new partner? That's when sex was creative and fun. Recreate passion by thinking outside the "established-couple" sex box.

"Being single is a time of experimentation where we dabble in different sexual arenas," Dr. Read says. "A newbie couple has a lot of sexual self confidence that enables them to communicate that they want to try something new and the courage to actually do it."

7. Intimacies vs. orgasm
OK sisters, it's not all about orgasm. "Women need to start communicating and showing their partner that their sexual needs have more to do with intimacy than with orgasm," says Dr. Read.

"Too often, sex leaves little to no nurturing of the woman, so many women feel (consciously or unconsciously) that sex is just another thing that's taking and not giving back to her."

Dr. Read encourages telling your partner that instead of intercourse, you'd sometimes rather a full body massage, a co-bath or to drink a glass of wine together.

8. Sex as sport?
Olympic sex? What a concept!

"Good sex is a thinking person's sport," Dr. Read declares. "Generally, people put zero time and effort into creating interesting sex and expect that those 10 minutes every two weeks they get together with their partner should be mind blowing. That's why they’re focused – some might say obsessed – with penetration sex. They haven't thought outside the sex box."

Start focusing on having interesting sex, and your sex life will improve almost instantly.

9. Touch your honey
When thinking sex, it's important to think beyond the bedroom. Dr. Read encourages touching each other non-sexually often.

"Most couples stop being affectionate and tactile with one another and that's a big reason why it's difficult to get things initiated in the bedroom," she says.

10. Be nice
It sounds so easy: just be nice to your special someone, every single day. Dr. Read's last hot tip is a simple one: "Look for a reason to be nice to your partner every day. Either we're taking our partner for granted, or we pick at what they did wrong. Sexual desire is more easily ignited when we don't have to overcome any tension with our partner."

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The top 10 ways to vamp up your sex life