12. Please be aware that "looking good" has nothing to do with it. Don't worry, I even do it myself -- tell my friends how good they look as if it meant that the cancer must be under control ... No such luck. Until the very, very end stages, cancer itself frequently doesn't cause you any distress at all. Usually doesn't hurt. Often you can't even feel it (which is why so many of them go undetected for so long). The treatments, on the other hand, can make you want to die. Even when they are saving or at least prolonging your life. This doesn't mean I want you to stop telling me I look good. I just want you to realize that it really doesn't mean diddly-squat.
13. Go to the doctor's appointments with me! Sometimes my poor "chemo brain" drops important information. It is very companionable to have someone with me in the various waiting rooms (maybe someday doctors will operate in a timely fashion ... nah, never mind -- it'll never happen). And it's great to have someone to talk to during an infusion drip. It is a good idea to have a pre-written list of questions. Again, a tape recorder can come in handy. And if the doctor is a little short or brusque, dig your heels in and be assertive. Help me to remember that although I am but one file in the doctor's toppling stack of workload, I am the single most qualified protector of my life. I have every right to as much of the doctor's time as I need. He (in my case, she) certainly keeps me waiting long enough!
14. (Actually, corollary to 13.) If I don't like the doctor's advice, or manner, remind me that there are plenty of doctors out there, and I deserve a second (or third . . . ) opinion. Cancer treatment, especially for metastatic disease, is not even close to refined yet. There is so much "art" and doctor's judgment to it, that I should never be coerced into a treatment I don't feel right about.
15. (Actually, corollary to 14, which is a corollary to 13.) Respect my decision. There may come a time in this journey (although I really don't foresee it happening -- but that's because I feel pretty good right now) that I decide to lie down beside the road and stop fighting. If I make this choice, I know that you will be disappointed and dismayed. Maybe even furious. Please remember that it is my battle, and my decision. I know that you love me. I know that you want me to fight. But if that day ever comes, please understand that there will be no more fight left in me at that point. I promise you that I will never, ever make that decision lightly.
16. If I am walking around bald from chemo, take the plunge. Shave your head! You would be surprised how refreshing it is to stick your head under a faucet on a hot summer day.... Don't worry. I will not be in the least surprised if you "pass" on this suggestion. I can say in all honesty, I doubt if I would do it for you!
I hope these suggestions help you to understand what is truly helpful, in dealing with a friend or loved one who is battling a life-threatening illness. Bless you for caring, and may God grant miracles all round!
Read more:
• What you need to know about skin cancer
• Yoga for breast cancer
• Foods that fight cancer
Excerpted from An Ovarian Cancer Companion by Diane Sims Roth (General Store Publishing House, 2003)
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