Stop fighting over money!

Ah, February, when a young person's fancy turns to romance, roses and … RRSPs?! Now there's a sonnet waiting to happen: How do I love thee? Let me count the compound interest. Doubtless there are couples for whom a daily discussion of money matters is an aphrodisiac, but they're as rare as lottery winners. For almost everyone else, love and lucre cannot safely be discussed in the same season -- let alone the same sentence.

Money talk can be a constant source of conflict for couples. One study found that one-third of couples cited money as their marital hot button. Another showed that more than three-quarters of couples who divorce before age 30 report financial problems as the primary cause of their marriage breakdown. Money inflames our passions, all right -- just not the right ones.

The last taboo
Talking about money is certainly taboo in many relationships, says Gerry Smith, a psychologist with WarrenShepell, an employee and family assistance program provider. "In 20 years of experience, I always found it easier to get people talking about their sex lives than their finances," says Smith. Most people bundle their money and their self-worth in the same package, he adds. Put a little stress on that package -- uncertainty in the workplace, an unplanned pregnancy or an overextended credit card -- and suddenly you have an explosive device. The resulting screaming match isn't about money at all. "Money is the great scapegoat that gets blamed for all sorts of other issues," he says.

Although having enough income to provide basic necessities is a major indicator of family strength, the size of a couple's income isn't usually a significant indicator of marital satisfaction, report former researchers Rosanne Farnden Lyster and Jane Olsen of the British Columbia Council for Families in Vancouver. In other words, it's not what you've got that matters but rather what you want to do with it. And depending on the values you and your partner ascribe to money, what you want to do with it will differ -- sometimes dramatically.

Unconscious beliefs
In her book, Couples and Money (Gabriel, 1997), Victoria F. Collins, a financial planner and psychologist, says that our individual quirks, biases and beliefs around money cluster into primary themes -- central motivations that govern how we use our finances. The four primary "money motivators" are freedom, security, power and love. "While at different times in life you're influenced by all of these forces, usually one will prevail," says Collins. "It becomes your unconscious raison d'être, the unspoken reason you fight rush-hour traffic every morning."

But as anyone who has ever read a romance novel knows, opposites attract. This means that people who see money as a path to freedom (a way to travel, pursue interests and do what they want in life) -- spenders -- are attracted to people who see money as a promise of security -- savers. Generous-hearted givers marry misers. Financially illiterate money avoiders marry profit-obsessed mutual fund managers. You see the problem.