One of the most essential skills parents can help a child develop is self-discipline. That inner sense of discipline will guide your child long after your influence wanes. It will give him the drive, the dependability and the sense of responsibility that increase his chances of finding satisfying work and enjoying his life.
The eventual goal of all discipline should be to instill self-discipline, not to punish. When we impose discipline so that a child behaves a certain way to avoid that discipline, he's not really controlling his own behaviour. When no one is watching, or if he no longer fears the discipline when he's a teenager, he may no longer feel the need to control his behaviour.
Instilling self-discipline also differs from talking about self-discipline. Many parents talk to their kids or warn them repeatedly about their behaviour and talk about the consequences, but they end up putting away the coat or picking up the toys themselves, often grumbling that they won't be so nice about it next time. Their kids learn that they don't have to take personal responsibility because, sooner or later, Mom or Dad will step in and do it for them.
The importance of consequences
Most experts believe that children have to see the relationship between what they choose to do and the consequences of that choice before they learn self-discipline. That means giving children choices, even though their choices may turn out to make them unhappy. By the age of six or seven, your child is old enough to start living with the consequences of some simple choices.
Suppose your son leaves his baseball glove on the ground in the backyard again. He has done it often before, and your reminders have had no effect. It's obvious to you that it's going to rain and the glove will be ruined or at least very soggy. It's your responsibility to point out the impending bad weather; it's your son's responsibility to bring in the glove. He must make the decision to act. You give him a simple, clear reminder: "It looks as if it's going to rain. Your baseball glove could be ruined outside in the rain." He can either take responsibility and get the glove, or he can choose to ignore it. If he hasn't picked up the glove when the rain comes, don't rescue it. Although your son will have a ruined glove, he will also have learned an important lesson: He has to look after his own belongings if he wants to be able to enjoy them. He may have to save money for many weeks to buy a new glove. But there's a clear link between the choice he made and the consequences of that choice.
You might want to modify this approach for more expensive or necessary items -- for example, a new bike -- by not letting your daughter's bike be stolen after she left it unlocked in the driveway. You can instead create a logical consequence: "You have a choice. The rule around here is that you have to have your bike locked up properly by 8 p.m. or I'll put it away for you. But if I have to put it away, you won't be able to use it for the rest of the week." Again, your child has a choice, one you've explained ahead of time. If she chooses not to look after the bike, she has to deal with the consequences of that choice.
The key to making this work is to be clear in your own mind that you're not punishing your children; you're allowing them to face the consequences of their actions. Explain what you're doing ahead of time and make it clear why you're doing it. If it's a logical consequence, it must be a fair one. Never offer a choice you can't live with yourself. There's no need for anger, and you can even be sympathetic. After all, you really don't want to see your son's favourite glove ruined or have your daughter unable to go biking with her friends. In both cases, they made bad choices. Odds are they'll make better ones next time.
Don't be too ambitious in your efforts to instill self-discipline. Concentrate on one or two problems at a time until you see some improvement. Don't demand perfection. If a child shows responsibility by putting away nine toys, don't dwell on the one toy that was left out. Be sure to praise your children when they make responsible choices or show self-discipline. Tell them how pleased it makes you feel. Attention and recognition from their parents can be powerful motivators for all children.
Be prepared to be flexible. Many children don't have the attention span at the age of six to remember everything you ask them to do every time. Just be sure that when you let him know he has a choice, you follow through with the consequence. By the time they've reached the age of 10 or 11, most kids should be able to look after their own things -- with just a few reminders.
Logical consequences for small infractions can even have an element of fun. Do you have a problem getting your kids to hang up their coats? When everyone is in a good mood, tell them the new rule: anyone who finds the coat of another family member -- even an adult -- off its hanger can fine that person five cents. Children suddenly become keenly aware of the coat problem because they stand a chance of making a little money and look forward to the delicious possibility of catching their parents off-guard.
There are other kinds of reward systems that can result in positive consequences. For younger children, use a chart on which you record the points or the stars they earn for doing regular chores, such as making their beds. Let them accumulate stars for a special reward -- for instance, an extra story at bedtime. Again you lay out the rules, but the children experience the positive consequences of developing enough self-discipline to follow them. Just be careful not to offer a reward for every positive behaviour or you will end up bribing your children with money and treats rather than illustrating self-discipline. Used judiciously, a simple reward system can motivate your kids.
Sometimes it's possible to offer choices in matters like homework that can't be negotiated. For example, you have a house rule that the homework must be done every school day, but you could offer the children a choice about whether they do their homework before or after dinner. Choosing the time gives the kids one small measure of control over what they're doing, which increases their motivation to actually do it.
Sometimes self-discipline means learning to make wise decisions, such as in handling money. Don't be afraid to let kids make mistakes. Suppose your 11-year-old has saved money to buy a new T-shirt. You may voice your concern that his choice is one he won't be happy with for long. You can even suggest he think about it again. But allow him to make the mistake, and if he's upset later with his choice, be sympathetic. The unwanted T-shirt is a relatively small price to pay in return for his learning how to make better choices.
Finally, be a role model for your children. Think about your own choices and, when it's appropriate, explain your reasons for behaving the way you do. The more you allow your children to make their own choices and deal with increased responsibility, the more power you give them, and they internalize and accept the lessons learned from their own choices. Although you set guidelines and rules, your children experience the positive consequences of developing enough self-discipline to follow them.
