What we wish someone had told us
I asked the mothers: "What regrets do you have? What advice would you give to a mother with a younger child? What would you do differently if you could do it over again?" Our collective wisdom can be summarized as follows.
Don't be overprotective. Allow your kids to experience difficulties. We were so concerned about our kids developing self-esteem, we may have undermined their ability to participate in the world as adults. Failure is a part of life. As one mother said, "Of course they have a sense of entitlement. We gave it to them." Helicopter mothering also robs children of a feeling of accomplishment and belief in themselves. The foundation of self-confidence is the ability to say, "I was successful because I tried hard, weathered adversity, and used my skills," not, "My parents helped me."
Don't over-program your kids. They need the freedom to play, explore, and discover who they are. They also need to learn how to organize themselves and create structure out of a blank canvas of time. How will they cope as adults in a world that places a premium on creativity, self-management, and problem-solving skills if they have had everything organized for them?
Don't treat your kids as your best friend. Forget the popularity contest of being the coolest mom on the block. You will end up an embarrassment to your kids and their friends who laugh at parents who dress, talk, and listen to the same music they do. Maintain appropriate boundaries, and be respectful of theirs. Don't make your kids your confidants. They should not know about marital or other difficulties until they are old enough to understand what they mean.
Don't overestimate your own importance. What you do is important, but parents attribute too much of their children's outcomes to themselves. Parents play a role, but so do peers and genes. (And regardless of what you do, they may still blame you if they have problems later in life.)
Don't project your own needs onto your kids or define yourself through them. You cannot live your kids' lives, and nor should you live through theirs. Your kid's success or failure is independent of who you are. You are not a failure if your child doesn't get into Harvard. Nor are you a better person if she does.
See your kids in terms of their own needs, attributes, and personality characteristics. Cherish them for who they are, rather than bemoaning who they are not.
Page 1 of 3 -- Find more parenting advice on page 2
