Effective communication happens when there is an emotional balance between the parties involved. When we get overwhelmed in our own angry feelings, we lose the ability to notice or even care about the feelings of our children. We create an imbalance that our child may either recoil from or may try to match with equal intensity. Intense arguments and angry confrontations separate us from our children and completely block communication. Unfortunately, we may unknowingly create greater and greater distance between ourselves and our children when the kids are young - and then the teenage years hit and we wonder what happened.
5. They already know it
Much of the time that parents spend talking to their children is focused on providing direction. This is, of course, necessary because children have so much to learn and children have an exceptionally long developmental period from birth to maturity. Parents have to provide direction, rules and guidelines. Reinforcement of key messages is important for learning, but at some point, we need to recognize that our kids actually have understood and learnt what we have said to them. As our children develop, they start to become progressively more resistant to the directive communication style – which is only one-way communication after all.
6. We don't always practice what we preach
We often send mixed messages to our children. While we expect very specific behaviors from them, we may not always exhibit these ourselves. Children are masterful observers of their parents and are acutely aware of situations that seem unfair. How we behave and what we model teaches our children much more than what we actually say. Our children may not always be listening, but they are always watching. Mixed messages are confusing to younger children and resented by older children.
7. Parents speak in negatives
Studies show that only 6-15 per cent of what we say to our children can be considered positive. As pointed out earlier, we do need to direct and correct our children; these actions are a key part of raising and teaching our children well. The message here is that parents need to adjust the percentages. We need to increase the volume of positive, supportive, and nurturing statements we make to our children. The more aware you become of what you say, how you say it and the impact of what you say on your children, the better the chances are that the positive-negative balance will improve.
So what can be done to overcome these barriers and improve communication between parents and children? There are many techniques that can help us do that – but the most important one is awareness. Consider the list of barriers and decide which are most prevalent in your home. Tackle one at a time and start to make some small changes. You will start to see your children become less resistant to your communication style and, as this happens, they will start to listen better.
This wisdom comes directly from children I spoke with. Ask your kids what would help them listen better. You might be surprised by what you hear…
For more ideas, visit www.talkaboutanything.ca.
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