Solution: There's an important distinction between being fair with children and treating them equally. Huberman, who is a twin herself, says, "Parents need to focus on helping each child to get what she needs, not to get the same as the other child." An obvious example is enrolling them in extracurricular activities. While it is easy to sign multiples up for the same sports or arts classes when they're young, as they get older – and their own interests evolve – talk to them about what passions they want to pursue, and don't enrol one child in any type of lessons simply because a twin sibling expresses a desire to be involved in activities outside of school.
Challenge: Competition
Solution: Concern over how to handle one child excelling above the other is another issue parents have to deal with. Rather than protecting her children by preventing them from competing, Moore tries to help her sons navigate the feelings they experience when one doesn't win. For instance, she'll say to the child, "This time you're being honoured. Next time it might be your twin brother," so he doesn't feel badly about the win.
Moore says that some multiples are so concerned about not coming out ahead of their sibling that they will opt out of a competition. She gives the example of one set of twins who were always first and second in track. In Grade 12, the one who always won quit because she felt that her twin was actually better than her and was simply not living up to her full potential. When she did so, the other sibling did indeed start to win, and even surpassed all previous records each of them held.
My twin and I played competitive badminton from a young age. Even now, at age 44, Reed avoids telling me he has just won an important squash tournament, perhaps because he knows that people will lavish praise on him that they never have on me. The thought that Reed would even consider my feelings shows a lot about his protectiveness and love for me, and the special bond we share as twins.
This story was originally titled "Raising Twins (and Multiples)" in the April 2009 issue. Subscribe to Canadian Living today and never miss an issue!
Page 3 of 3
