Smart solutions
Now that we know what's motivating Yale's outbursts, let's explore our options.
Unconditional love
Don't be shy, come right out and ask him: "Yale, could it be that you think mom and dad love Jason more because of all the stuff we're doing for him right now?" Watch for the "recognition reflex" -- if you're right, the child will often smirk, or blink his eyes, or look away (because he feels a bit sheepish). He might also come out with it and say "Yes"! Either way, your goal is to assure him that this is nonsense -- love has nothing to do with getting stuff for camp.
Needs of the situation
The key is to help Yale understand the way you make decisions in your house. If the stove stops working, we get it fixed or buy a new one. If Yale's feet grow and are too large for his shoes, we buy new ones. (And if Jason's feet haven't grown, we don't buy him new ones.) And when it's Yale's turn to go to camp, we'll need to get him a sleeping bag, flashlight, and of course a fishing rod too!
In fact, we should always focus on the needs of the situation when dealing with our kids. They often think we make decisions arbitrarily, so we've got to share with them the "why" behind family decisions and family routines.
Don't take the bait
Even after all your great sleuthing to uncover the real reason for Yale's behaviour, and even after your attempts to reassure him, he may still have the need to retaliate. The trick is not to feel hurt or take his behaviour personally. Respect his right to have a meltdown and respect your right not to engage or listen: "You know I love you, Yale, but I'm not enjoying this. I'd like to hear what you have to say when you're feeling calm. Mom is going to the other room."
Give him a task
This is a great diversion and good for teaching him resourcefulness.
Together research local summer activities – perhaps he can explore options on the internet. Discuss and have Yale choose some special things to do while Jason's at camp. Who knows, he may feel he got the prize catch in the end!
Beverley Cathcart-Ross is a certified parent educator, a private counsellor, a mother of four teenagers and founder of The Parenting Network.
