Here's where an important maxim comes in: You're not responsible to your children, you're responsible for them.
Your real responsibility is to provide adequate and appropriate parenting. This means that when your child verbalizes the fantasy "Daddy, why don't you and Mommy get together again?" you respond from your own adult experience, and not from the child's experience. You say, “I know you'd like that to happen. But your mommy and I just can't live together anymore. It wouldn't work out for us -– and it wouldn't work out for you either.”
Exactly how you say it depends, of course, on your children's ages, maturity, and personalities. By acknowledging their wish, while at the same time clarifying that it isn't going to come true, you are recognizing their inner reality and showing that you're responsible for making the tough but necessary decisions.
As for why your relationship broke up, you'll want to give your children some sort of explanation –- again, appropriate to their age level –- when they ask, as they inevitably will. Make it brief but clear, so they won't feel completely left in the dark. And keep it honest, but not too honest: Leave out the gory details.
Don't bad-mouth your former partner
If for example, you say something like, “We just grew apart,” it will be fairly meaningless to them. On the other hand, avoid: “Your father is a despicable swine,” or “Your mother is a conniving bitch,” since it doesn't help your kids to hear you bad-mouthing their other parent.
You might try some variation on: “Your mother (father) and I just can't live together anymore. . . . We were very unhappy with each other, fighting about things all the time. . . . We tried counseling [provided you actually did], and it didn't work for us. . . . So it's best if we live apart now. And believe it or not, it's best for you too.”
Those are about all the lines I can feed you. In fielding your kids' questions, I'm afraid you're on your own. The only real ground rules I would suggest are to avoid character assassination, and especially, to avoid explicit sexual issues; certainly with younger children, and even with teenagers. In general, it's not a good idea for kids to know too much about their parents' sex lives. That would just involve them inappropriately with intimate details that would disturb them, which are none of their business anyway.
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 | Excerpted from On Your Own Again by Keith Anderson and Roy Macskimming. Copyright 2007 by Keith Anderson and Roy Macskimming. Excerpted by permission of McClelland & Stewart. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher. |
