8. Let your feet do the talking
Don't go on and on; save your breath, hold out your hand and lead your child calmly upstairs and show him the clothes he needs to put on. If you talk, chat about the weather, not about what he needs to do. Jacob's mom could have moved the stool without comment -- in a kind but firm way. Remember it is just as important how you do something as it is what you do.
9. Ask for help
Kids love to be resourceful, though it may not seem this way. It makes them feel valued and that their ideas are important. Jacob's mom could have asked him, "What do you think we can do about this stool? It's making a mess, isn't it?"
10. Give your child a job
Your child has more time and energy than you do, so why do everything for him? Because it's faster and better? Perhaps. But that's short-term thinking. Instead try to nurture life skills.
11. Tone it down
Your tone speaks volumes. Comments such as "Dragging the stool is scratching the floor," said in an impatient manner will reap the same results as bossing. (Imagine the look you'd get if you spoke to a girlfriend that way.) Use a respectful approach and stay calm.
12. Encourage effort
Acknowledge any effort. Comments such as "We got out of the house on time. Give me five!" (even though breakfast was missed) go a long way.
13. Walk away
OK, you're thinking, These strategies may work on someone else's kid but not on mine! It may take a while to get the results you are looking for so in the meantime, bail out before the boat sinks! After all, we get the results we want when we are calm and not all revved up for a fight.
When Jacob wasn't cooperating and his mom was getting annoyed, she could have left the kitchen without words, or perhaps with this great line: "Jacob, I love you too much to fight. I am going upstairs until we are both calm."
This isn't giving in; it's modelling a respectful approach to dealing with conflict. BONUS: You'll be teaching your kids about respect for one's self and for others.
14. Start fresh
Jacob and Mom need to find a calm time to discuss ways to make tomorrow a better day. Talk about your child's feelings first and then your feelings (keeping it to 10 words or less -- you don't want to lose him!). Then brainstorm for solutions together. Put one to the test for a few days. View it as a process that will require patience and likely some fine-tuning!
Beverley Cathcart-Ross is a certified parent educator and founder of the Parenting Network.
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