Interact with your kids
Empathy and understanding, which are key ingredients for loving relationships, are more readily available when a child feels good about herself. Simple ways to encourage a healthy sense of self are: really listening when your child talks to you; stopping what you're doing and giving her your undivided attention; and letting her know that you have respect and faith in her. This isn't something you start when she's older. It's a manner of interacting that's best established early on. Just like a garden that blossoms when it receives constant care, your children's relationship with each other needs ongoing maintenance.
In the absence of care these relationships tend to break down. This simple recognition that we need to guide our children in their efforts at getting along is the key to more peaceful and relaxed sibling bonds.
Sow the seeds of sibling love
According to a recent study out of Pennsylvania State University, sisters feel closer to their siblings than do brothers, and sibling bonds grow stronger during adolescence. (So why do your darling daughters scream so much at each other?) For both sexes, the worst discord occurs when the first child hits about 13 and the second child is around 10 years old.
So what's a parent to do? One study suggests that warm parent-child relationships promote warm sibling connections. This would be a good time to test this theory. Instead of focusing on brotherly love, you can focus on increasing the good feelings that exist between you and your children, and the positive benefits will hopefully overflow on to them.
Keep sibling bonds strong when a marriage breaks down
The emotional stress of a separation or divorce may pull siblings together or split them apart. Some parents are less emotionally available, so siblings turn to each other for support. Other siblings may share the confusion and anger their parents are experiencing and take it out on each other.
After a split, siblings tend to spend more time with each other. Such closeness, as well as the stress of moving between homes, may spark more volatile relationships; it may also promote stronger bonds.
Additionally, siblings may fight more as a way of deflecting from adult problems. It's difficult to predict how siblings will interact after a divorce, but studies show that siblings get along better when their parents are co-operative.
Here are some other ways you can help things along.
• Continue family rituals established prior to the family split.
• Don't let any of the kids become the “little man" or “little woman" of the house.
• Don't expect older siblings to pick up the slack around the house; divide chores evenly.
• Keep siblings together rather than splitting them between homes.
• Talk and listen to your children, even if it hurts to hear what they have to say. Do this on an ongoing basis and allow them to express sadness and disappointment.
• Talk to your children about what's happening, even if they don't appear interested in talking.
• Kids need each parent's love. Divided loyalties should be avoided.
Get your kids to solve their own problems
Encourage your kids to solve their own problems without hitting, yelling, insulting, tattling or whining. When my kids were little I had a “hands up" rule. If I put my hand in the air they had to sit down and be as still as a statue. Since kids love rules and rituals, they usually listened. Then I'd play dumb and say something like, “I've got a problem and I need your help to solve it. Both of you want to play with the same game. Do either of you have any ideas on how to deal with this?" More often than not, they'd come up with a compromise.
That said, you've got to know when to step in and when to hold back. Give your kids wiggle room to sort things out themselves; unless it's not a level playing field, there's a chance of someone getting hurt or squabbles becoming intolerable. If you step in, steer your kids toward a resolution instead of imposing one. Say something like, “I see that Jake wants to play the piano while Jenny wants quiet so she can read. Do you guys have any ideas on how we can solve this?" Let the kids come up with their own solutions. If they can't think of anything, give them some ideas to get them going and choose win-win options.
Cathryn Tobin is a pediatrician, midwife, mother of four children and regular contributor to the Your Kids pages in Canadian Living. Her latest book is The Lull-a-Baby Sleep Plan (Wiley, 2006). Visit mylullababy.com for more information.
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