2. Respect: I am valued and worthwhile
Child's belief: I feel most valued when my parents respect my right to make choices and decisions for myself. I have a voice and say in this family. I am listened to.
Respecting the rights of our children to make choices and judgements is an integral part of their learning and growth process. This doesn't mean that we will agree with the actual judgement our children make, in fact, chances are we won't always agree with their decisions.
Alfred Adler's basic premise of human nature is that we are born with the genetic endowment of "creativity". Given the chance to use this creativity in the form of judgements in their daily lives can help our children develop life skills such as independence, self-confidence, conflict resolution, problem-solving, and resourcefulness.
Ask for their ideas and opinions and respect their voice: Make sure your child has a say. Don't let others speak for them -- including you! Share your problems with them and ask for their opinions or advice.
Make one-on-one time for the relationship: Quality time means being available physically, mentally and emotionally.
Decide what you are willing to do and express it with kindness and firmness. Model dual respect -- I respect you and I respect me. Parents have rights too! Be clear with your child about what you are willing or not willing to do. "I will read a story after you brush your teeth." "I will cook only in a clean kitchen." "I will drive only when seat belts are buckled."
Problem solving: If your family is having day-to-day struggles, engage them in problem solving. Follow these four steps:
1. Calm time: Find a mutually acceptable time for all.
2. Focus on child's feelings: Show understanding and empathy for the child's situation. Ask them how they feel about the problem.
3. Parent's feelings: Share your feelings; keep it brief, 15 words or less. "I love you too much to start our day this way."
4. Brainstorm for solutions: "What ideas do you have to solve the problem?" (This does not work unless you are truly curious about what your child has to say.) Agree on a solution and a trial period.
Family meetings: A powerful tool to develop an attitude of connection and value in families. Put the problem on the agenda and let the kids brainstorm for a solution
