Restitution
The first R, restitution, means fixing what he did. It involves fixing both the physical damage and the personal damage. The table might be easier to repair than the personal rift created by the act of damaging it. Fixing the table or paying for its replacement is usually less painful than the act of true repentance. And it is only such repentance that can move him toward reconciliation with those he has harmed by his deed. True repentance makes no room for excuses ("I was drunk"), blameshifting ("They dared me to do it and they knew I was drunk"), "but"s ("But the table had marks already before I carved on it"), "if only"s ("If only you hadn't left for the weekend. If only my parents weren't getting a divorce"). Repentance is not the obligatory "I'm sorry" that is used to express regret or remorse when caught doing something wrong. To honestly and unconditionally repent means to lament the damage caused, not out of a sense of duty or of obligation, but out of a heartfelt need to admit the wrongness of what's been done, to express a strong desire not to do it again, to assume responsibility for the damage and begin to mend the torn relationship.
You cannot force repentance on someone else. You can help Sam arrive at repentance by helping him work his own way through the three Rs. Repentance is not a goal in itself Rather it is a byproduct. It comes about only as Sam works through the whole process of reconciliation. As a wise and caring adult who is not out to rescue or punish Sam, you can provide the structure, the support and the permission he needs to begin the process.
Resolution
The second R, resolution, means figuring out a way to keep it from happening again. In other words, how can Sam create himself anew - not apart from what he has done or in spite of what he has done or because of what he has done? Creating anew involves integrating the past destructive act and all its results and implications into a new beginning. It happened. He can't go back and wish it not so. He needs to be able to figure out what he actually did, what he did to bring it about, what he can learn from it, what he can take from the experience to, as Ernest Hemingway described it, "become stronger in the broken places." Without such resolution, the repentance becomes a hollow regret, a mere apology to be repeated when he is caught destroying property in his next drunken rage. True repentance requires that he redirect his destructive energies in more constructive ways. It is not enough to simply say it won't happen again. Sam needs a plan and a commitment to make that plan happen.
For his plan to be effective, it must be much bigger than figuring out a way to replace the table. His plan might need to include getting help for his drinking problem, figuring out constructive ways to express the hurt and anger he feels about his parents' constant battles, and developing a positive game plan in advance of the next party. By showing your support of Sam and his plan, you can also open the door to a frank discussion with Sam's parents about what you have seen firsthand in terms of their acrimonious divorce and its effect on their son.
Reconciliation
The third R, reconciliation, is a process of healing with the people you have harmed. It involves a commitment by the offender to honour his plan to make restitution and live up to his resolutions. It also involves a willingness on the part of the person offended to trust, to risk and to rebuild a relationship with the offender.
It is helpful if the offender, after making restitution, offers his time and talents to those he has harmed. This serves two purposes: one, the person harmed can experience the inherent goodness of the offender; and two, the offender can experience his own inherent goodness.
Most young offenders would not come up with this step on their own. They would like to just stop at step two and be done with the whole ordeal. It is the adult in the equation that needs to push for this step as much for herself as for the young offender.
