6. Set limits. If you're just not comfortable with your child's friend, set some rules about where and how they can interact. Marie Smith,* a Dartmouth, N.S., mother of three teens, had concerns about her daughter Cindy's* friend. "This girl was a lot more worldly and had a lot more freedom than Cindy. The rules in her house were very different from the rules in ours." The solution? Marie told her daughter that any sleep-overs would be at their house – not her friend's.
7. Find the attraction. Parents often don't like their children's friends without realizing that kids choose friends for specific reasons, says Gordon. "Ask yourself, Why is my child attracted to this particular kid?" Is she lonely? Did her group just dump her? Is this person exciting to be around? Learn how to ask the right questions in a curious, nonjudgmental way, advises Gordon. For example, "Help me understand what it is about Justin that you're drawn to."
Keep in mind that sometimes kids just "try on" friends for a while to see who fits, then move on. In some cases, they may choose friends with traits they feel they lack and admire. For example, my nine-year-old, who is a tentative child, became close friends for a time with the schoolyard daredevil.
Kids with low self-esteem can be attracted to other kids with low self-esteem or false self-esteem (relying on outward bravado, including arrogance, rudeness and put-downs, to cover up feelings of insecurity), says Gordon. "I worked with one teen on her self-esteem and one day she came into my office and said, ‘You know, it's really weird, but I'm not hanging out with the same people anymore since I've been seeing you.'"
8. Focus on the behaviour. If you notice that your child is suddenly swearing a lot or missing every curfew since he started hanging out with a particular friend, focus on dealing with your son's behaviour rather than dissing the friend, says Douglas. And if you're consistent about disciplining your son for any rules he and his friend break while the friend is visiting, he may get sick of being in trouble every time his friend comes over and eventually ditch him, says Douglas.
If a so-called buddy always treats your child badly, try to help her realize that maybe she doesn't have a real friend there, adds Douglas. Ask questions like, "Can Susie keep a promise?" "Does she always let you down?" Chris Campbell's 17-year-old daughter, Taylor, had a friend who habitually lied to her. "I'd tell Taylor, 'You have to feel sorry for someone who lies all the time,'" says the Timberlea, N.S., mother of two, hoping to plant a seed that would get her daughter to reconsider the relationship. "She eventually figured out on her own that this girl wasn't very nice and that she didn't want to be friends with someone she couldn't trust."
Page 3 of 4 – Read page 4 to find out what to do when you don't like your teen's girlfriend or boyfriend.
