10. Offer an escape route. Sometimes a child wants to end a friendship that he knows isn't working but struggles with how to make the break. It's understandable. Even adults have trouble mastering this social skill. Always encourage your child to use you as the scapegoat – "Sorry, my mom says I have to do homework" – if it makes things easier. One mother and her son agreed that he would simply stop being available when his friend called or dropped by. The unwanted friend eventually got the message.
11. Be supportive. "My son was a smart kid with good values, and it killed me that he was falling under the spell of this other kid," says Kara about her son Chris. Kara decided she would show Chris that he has good people in his life who like him for who he is. "I called up everyone I could think of who would be a positive influence – old friends, a cousin who is a computer engineer (Chris likes computers), a nephew who had just started university." Finally, things turned around. Chris no longer sees his old friend. "You have to be so supportive," says Kara. "You can't give up, as heartbreaking as it can be."
What to do when you don't like your teen's girlfriend or boyfriend
Take a deep breath, don't panic and find comfort in the fact that early relationships tend to burn out quickly. Here's how to wait it out.
• "Don't let your dislike of your teen's boyfriend or girlfriend hinder your relationship with your child," says Michele Borba, author of Nobody Likes Me, Everybody Hates Me: The Top 25 Friendship Problems and How to Solve Them (Wiley, 2005). Make sure your child knows you're always there for him, regardless of whom he's dating.
• Keep the lines of communication open. One Dartmouth, N.S., mother of three teens made a point of never saying a bad word about her daughter's boyfriend, even though she felt he was lazy. "I wanted to keep an open dialogue," she says. "I would ask questions, like, 'What does Adam plan on doing after high school?' I wanted to get my daughter thinking, 'Is this the person I see myself with in five years?'"
• Offer distractions. Make sure your teen stays involved with hobbies and extracurricular activities, and still spends time with family and friends.
*Names have been changed.
This story was originally titled "So You Don't Like Your Child's Friends" in the April 2009 issue. Subscribe to Canadian Living today and never miss an issue!
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