When a parent is an alcoholic
The conspiracy of silence surrounding alcohol or drug addiction within the family can do as much damage to a child as the substance addiction itself. Often the partner of an alcoholic puts all his efforts into fighting or covering the addiction, and the children may become lost in the family struggle. Alcoholism is often associated with abuse, whether physical, sexual or emotional, and with subsequent family breakdown. It is always associated with the neglect of children by the addicted parent. As a result of the parent's broken promises and harsh words and the threat of abuse, the children learn not to trust, not to feel, and not to talk about their problems.
Children's reactions to the stress of alcoholism vary with the age and sex of the child and their temperament. One child may become withdrawn, another aggressive, still another may become depressed and unable to concentrate in school. The responsible eldest child may take on the role of superachiever, excelling in school, taking care of younger children, and otherwise filling in for an absent parent. As she covers for the family, doing her utmost to make everything appear normal, she neglects her own hurt and need. Another child might become withdrawn and unable to communicate with anyone, because her trust has been destroyed by the unacknowledged turmoil in her family. Some children become scapegoats and act out aggressively both at home and in school. Or one may become the class clown, whose jokes and hijinks call attention to himself and away from the problems at home. It takes a long time for these children to relearn appropriate patterns of behaviour.
Being the partner of an alcoholic
Children need one very resilient parent to help them overcome the effects of a partner's alcoholism. One important step is to acknowledge the problem in an age-appropriate way. School-age children can see the difference between what happens in their family life with an alcoholic parent and what happens in that of a nonalcoholic parent. Telling them what's going on can help re-establish healthy patterns of communication.
There's no agreement among addiction counsellors about the best way to describe alcoholism to children. Some adopt the Alcoholics Anonymous method of describing it as a disease: "Daddy behaves that way because he's sick. He cannot control himself when he's drinking." Although your children may wonder why Daddy can't just get a pill from the doctor, describing alcoholism as a disease helps the child feel less responsible for the drinking parent. You might tell a younger child that Daddy is "stuck on drinking like a magnet on a piece of steel. He can't let go." The message you give your child should be geared to his level of understanding. Your child needs to have an explanation for the alcoholic partner's denial of his condition, and to know that the parent's condition is not the child's fault. "We can't make Daddy well. He has to get help for himself."
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