Breaking bad news to teens
Your teen may look as if he's an adult, but he can be quite vulnerable emotionally. When you deliver bad news about a death or serious illness affecting someone close to him, you should choose words carefully. He deserves to know everything, because he will feel you do not trust him if he's kept in the dark. But he needs your support to deal with the shock. Sit beside him, and turn off the music or TV so that you can concentrate on one another.
1. First, give a little warning of what you are about to say: "I have some bad news to tell you."
2. Then, say what has happened: "Grandpa had a heart attack. He's in a coma in the hospital."
3. Third, tell him what it means: "The doctors think he could die today." It's better to use direct words, such as death and die, whose meanings are clear.
4. Guide him by telling him what he could do to help: "I'm going to the hospital. I would like it if you'd come with me."
5. Let him absorb all the information any way he wants, whether by crying, by going to his room, or by turning back to the computer.
6. Don't censure him if he won't go to the hospital, but prepare him for what he'll see if he does decide to go: "Grandpa's breathing is very uneven, and it's hard to watch." Let him know he can ask questions, either of you or of another relative if you feel overwhelmed by the situation.
Facing the death of a loved one
It's often during the teen years that your child first experiences the loss of someone he loves. Sometimes it's a grandparent or a friend who has been close to your family. By the age of thirteen, most teens have an intellectual understanding of death, but young teens have quite volatile emotions. As they first experience mortality, even if it's someone they don't know well, teens may feel their grief deeply. They may exhibit their sadness, fear, or anger as physical symptoms, especially if they're going through puberty. An older teen who has put a great deal of effort into rebelling and separating from parents may feel guilty when someone dies. He may recall that he hadn't seen or even spoken on the phone with Grandma for months; he'll need reassurance that his struggle for some independence from the family is normal and that Grandma still spoke of him affectionately before she died. A teenage boy may struggle against other people's expectations of how he should behave. Don't let anyone tell him to "be a man about it." He has the right to cry.
Your teenager may not turn to you for support, but it's important that you talk to your teen about the death, sharing your own feelings about and memories of the person. She will appreciate this, but she may be unable to handle the emotions it raises and flee to her room. She may talk about her loss to a close friend or group of friends and they may want to come to the funeral to support her. If she seems reluctant to talk with family members, accept that reluctance, but raise the subject again as the months pass so that she can explore her feelings with the rest of the family when she's ready.
Give your teens a role in the funeral service, if they can handle it. Ask them whether they're willing, but don't push if they seem reluctant. A sensitive thirteen-year-old may feel too self-conscious to read her poetry, but she may be able to read a passage of Scripture. At fifteen, your son may fear the job of pallbearer, because he's afraid he'll be too shaky to carry the casket. But he may be able to walk along as an attendant or an escort. A self-confident eighteen-year-old may be able to relate her memories of Grandpa during the service. Whatever age your teens are, prepare them for what will happen at the funeral and guide them in appropriate behaviour.
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