The death of a close family member
If your spouse or child has died, you may be emotionally absent to your teen as you struggle with your own grief, and you may be unable to support your teen as he copes with the death of his parent or sibling. Although the support of his friends will help him at the time, they are unlikely to understand if he's still upset one year later. It may help your teen to talk with other teens who've had a similar loss at a grief support group for adolescents. Bereaved Families of Ontario, Compassionate Friends, hospices, and schools throughout the country run such programs.
If your teen was just beginning to establish a separate identity and had frequent conflicts with the parent who died, she may have difficulty separating from someone who's no longer there. If she was the second oldest and is now the oldest living child, her sense of her own place in the family will begin to shift. Parents who have lost one child may develop an extreme fear of losing another and may restrict the freedom of their other teens, even if they had previously led an active social life. Try to negotiate guidelines that are manageable while still putting your mind at rest.
Unfortunately, teens too often experience the death of a classmate or friend through traffic accidents or suicide. Many school boards have plans in place, such as a counselling team for tragic events, to help students deal with tragedies. In the microcosm of a high school, the sudden death of a student or teacher can reverberate, triggering strong emotions and possibly copycat suicide among other teens, even those who didn't know the victim well. Young teens may personalize a death, thinking "It could have been me," or, if a classmate loses a parent, "It could have been my mother." They need to work through their own fear of death, and they may be unable to shake a feeling of foreboding after the event. Some are unable to sleep; others react with anger at the unfairness of a death.
Counselling by slightly older peers and by teachers may help them cope, but parents also play a role. If your teen wants to attend a classmate's funeral, agree to accompany her and a group of her friends. Unaccompanied teens who don't know how to behave at a funeral may make things difficult for the bereaved family, although they may help one another. Tell your daughter what's appropriate in attire and behaviour and what she might say to the bereaved parents. Help your teen gain some perspective on the tragedy by talking it over with her. Resist the impulse to lecture about drinking and driving, but acknowledge that bad things do happen to good people and that the death has been a shocking experience for everyone.
