Forced sexual activity
In Canada, any forced sexual activity is considered by law to be sexual assault, which is an act of aggression and a serious crime. More than half of all sexual assaults against women are committed against teenage women. In most cases of sexual assault, the offender is someone the victim, female or male, knows and trusts.
When talking to your teens about healthy sexuality, you should say clearly that choosing to be sexually active carries with it the responsibility of respecting the boundaries set by one's partner. Teens need to understand that while they have strong desires, they can and must control their actions. Both your son and your daughter need to know that one partner saying No -- in words or conduct, or just by not consenting -- is their legal right and should stop the partner from continuing unwanted sexual activity or behaviour. They may then recognize that a partner who uses physical or psychological threats to exert power over them is abusing the concept of consent.
Helping kids learn to protect themselves in a sexual situation is a proactive approach for a family to take. Kids may find it difficult to say No to someone they like and have trusted to this point. They need to know that one person breaks the trust by trying to impose his will on another person, that each person is in charge of her or his own body, that they can say No and expect the other person to accept their decision.
Danger signs
Both children and teens need to learn how to recognize the dangers of certain situations and the warning signs of potential aggression. If you talk with your teens about sexual assaults and the circumstances that surround such occurrences, you not only help them understand ordinary dangers but you also let them know that they can count on your advice and support if they're ever assaulted. Some teens may not tell you if an assault takes place because the offender is someone you know and apparently like, or because your teen was doing something she knew you wouldn't approve of, or because she fears that you will become overprotective. Teens should, nevertheless, know what their community offers as resources and crisis centres to victims of assault.
If the day comes when your teenage daughter tells you that she's been sexually assaulted, try to remain calm, be supportive, and assure her that she did nothing wrong. Sexual assault is one of the few crimes for which we question whether the victim is guilty and place the onus on the victim to prove that the assault took place. Don't blame your teen's halter-top, her friends, or the places she hangs out. No one brings sexual assault on herself.
Getting help
The event needs to be talked out, because assault is a traumatic experience for everyone. Your daughter may need some time to deal with her emotions; if it was a case of date rape, she may want to take time off school so as not to face the offender every day. Post traumatic stress response -- recurrent nightmares, flashbacks to the assault, acting out with unusual behaviour and intense anxiety -- is not unusual. Your other children and extended family may want to know why your daughter's mood has changed. Your daughter may want to keep the details private, but if they know that she's been a victim of violence, they can give their support.
Help your teen feel that it's OK to reach out not only to her family but also to counsellors at sexual assault care centres, women's help lines, and distress centres. Counsellors understand what your daughter is going through and are trained to help her through the crisis. Offer to make an appointment for her, then drive her there. Respect her wishes if she prefers that you stay in the waiting room.
Without an opportunity to talk through her feelings about the assault, the experience may fester. Be sensitive to her responses, and don't try to talk about it when she clearly doesn't want to. But people who have been sexually assaulted and who don't receive the support of family, friends, or community agencies in their recovery tend to suffer low self-esteem, to become distrustful of their own judgment and of other people. Girls tend to feel ashamed or guilty, blaming themselves for the crime; boys tend to lash out. Both may guard against future intimacy because they feel that they can't trust their partners.
Reporting the crime
It's reliably estimated that only 5 to 10 per cent of sexual assaults are reported. If your teen wants to file an incident report with police, take her to a hospital emergency department to obtain evidence such as semen samples, pubic hair, or vaginal bruising within 72 hours of the assault. After investigating the incident, police decide whether or not to lay charges. If your daughter decides not to report it to the police, it's her legal right. Show your support in other ways.
Alternatives to the legal system are possible.The Toronto Rape Crisis Centre, for example, will write a confidential letter to the assailant to let him know that what he has done is wrong, and to suggest that he seek counselling about his behaviour toward women. Some women, through the help of a sexual assault crisis centre, choose to confront their assailant. This non-violent confrontation is not a conversation. It is carefully planned and includes several people who will support your daughter and assure her physical safety. The man must be quiet and listen. It's the victim's turn to speak and be heard.
Excerpted from Understanding Your Teen: Ages 13 to 19 by Christine Langlois. Copyright 1999 by Telemedia Communications Inc. Excerpted, with permission by Ballantine Books. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
