In his book Youth Violence: How to Protect Your Kids (Communities Against Youth Violence, Toronto, 1997), Toronto police officer Kevin Guest identifies some warning signs.
• Some of your teen's belongings, such as a iPods or a bicycle, are suddenly missing.
• You notice minor injuries such as a bruise on the arm but are offered no explanation.
• Your child starts skipping school or getting lower marks.
• Your child doesn't eat, isn't talking and generally withdraws.
• Your child lacks friends or appears to have friends you've never met.
If you spot any of these warning signs, ask your teen if there's a problem. Don't be surprised if you get denials at first. Tell her that saying nothing is the worst approach, because intimidation and violence typically escalate, beginning as verbal threats and building to physical abuse. If a teen doesn't ask for help, the situation will only get worse. Assure your daughter that you won't get angry if she tells you what's happening to her and tell her you're concerned for her safety. Here are some steps in handling the problem.
• Ask your daughter who she would be most comfortable seeking help from at school. It's usually best to start with a teacher she knows; that teacher will probably involve a vice-principal or the principal.• Make sure the school staff support the victim and keep the discussions confidential.
• Find out from other parents if their kids have been victims. If so, you can go as a group to the school administration. Your son will also feel better knowing that he's not alone.
• Ask the principal what steps he will take and check back later to make sure he has followed through.
• In extreme cases, you may want to work with the school to bring in the police and lay charges.
• Kids are particularly in danger of becoming the targets of bullies if they're unhappy and have low self-esteem. Spending time with your teens and encouraging them to get involved in activities they're good at are ways to boost their self-confidence.
Excerpted from Understanding Your Teen: Parenting Strategies That Work edited by Christine Langlois (Ballantine Books, 1999).
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