It's unlikely to be a surprise to your teen that her parents are heading for divorce. She will have noticed the tension between Dad and Mom long before you thought of separating. Unlike younger children, your teen needs to know about the impending divorce some weeks before a separation occurs. Although you don't want to put your marriage problems on stage, tell your teen when you seek marriage counselling or when you are seriously discussing a separation. These things will worry her, but at least the news of the divorce won't come as a bombshell. That doesn't make it easier for her to accept. Your marriage is your teen's model of male-female relations at the same time as she's exploring her own feelings about the opposite sex. Your divorce may shake, at least temporarily, her belief in the value of marrying at all.
In his early teen years, your son sees things in black and white and may look for someone to blame. Be careful about how you talk about one another because teens will jump to inappropriate conclusions. At fifteen or sixteen, your daughter may withdraw from you more quickly, spending more time with friends because she's not up to facing the stress at home. At nineteen, your son may have already established his own identity and be genuinely glad for you that you've reached a measure of peace, but your divorce may discourage his own entry into a permanent relationship. Expect some anger, sadness, withdrawal, and denial from all your children, no matter their age.
If you've been an active parent, allowing your daughter more freedom as she demonstrates responsibility, she'll have enough self-esteem to know that your divorce is not her fault. She'll learn to accommodate your separation and divorce as she accommodates all the many changes during her hectic teen years. Her security lies in a close relationship with each parent, not in the place she sleeps each night.
Page 1 of 6 - Learn how you can support your child during the divorce on page 2
