Working together
Adolescents in the midst of taking control of their own lives are learning to live with the decisions they make. When it comes time to talk about parental visiting arrangements, involve them in the decisions. Have a family conference in which you all talk about how things might change after the separation. Listen to all suggestions, even if they don't seem workable at first. Make it clear that separate households may have separate rules. Lay out for her the implications of living at Dad's house one week and Mom's the next: "During the week you're at Mom's, you will have to travel by bus for an hour to get to school. That means getting up at 7:00 a.m." Consider your teen's need to be by himself or to hang out with friends when you arrange parental visits. Maybe he can have dinner and watch a movie with Dad during the week so that he can go out with his friends on weekend nights. A schedule that reflects realistic expectations helps everyone in the family.
Don't let your teen avoid curfew by saying he's with the other parent. Teens need more structure, not less, in times of turmoil. Pay special attention that your teens continue regular attendance at school and talk with them about their schoolwork. Studies have shown that teens' interest and academic performance in classes sometimes drop drastically when their parents separate and divorce. Many schools offer counselling groups for the children of divorce.
When parents divorce, they must continue to be civil to one another. If you fight whenever you exchange custody, your teens' loyalties will be torn. They may also think your frustration or anger is their fault or, worse, that you consider them property to fight over. Don't send messages back and forth through your children, and don't complain about your ex when your children are with you. Even if one parent doesn't turn up for a visit, it's better for the teen to direct her anger at the offending parent than for you to complain about your ex's unreliable character. Conflicts that teens have with one parent should not be resolved with the other. Listen to your child's complaints, but don't take sides. Teach them to take their problems with Mom to Mom.
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