Venting anger without hurt
Some kids are so hot-tempered that you wonder whether they will ever learn to express their anger without an explosion. Other kids rarely express their anger, but they may cry or say that they're sad or that they have a sore stomach.
Anger is a normal, healthy, natural emotion that we all need to learn how to handle. Experts suggest that parents must look at how they deal with their own anger, for that's the behaviour that their children will learn first. Do you suppress your anger? The classic definition of depression is "anger turned inward." Or do you explode in a destructive way? Or do you find healthier outlets?
A parent who is afraid to express his or her own anger but who lets it seep out in other ways teaches a child to fear and avoid expressing anger. A hot-tempered parent who has frequent, explosive outbursts teaches her child that anger is frightening. Some children react by becoming passive peacemakers who try at all costs to avoid anger, while other children model their behaviour on their angry parent's and throw temper tantrums. The parent and child keep pushing each other's buttons, and outbursts from one will trigger more intense outbursts from the other.
Teach by example
It's important for all of us to learn to acknowledge the anger we feel and to act out our angry feelings in a constructive way. We must help children understand that it's OK to feel anger, and we also need to show them how to make good choices about what to do about their angry feelings and the person or situation that aroused the feelings.
Both parents should talk about their own family experiences and share stories about what makes them angry and how they deal with it. Be a mirror for your child so that he can see the effects of his behaviour on others, both positive and negative. Teach him that anger, when constructively channelled, can be a powerful motivator and a source of energy, it can make him more determined to solve a problem, to overcome obstacles, and to accomplish a goal. That way your child learns to control his anger rather than let the anger control him.
Reward him for handling his anger in a constructive way, for talking out his feelings, and for coming up with solutions to the problems that make him angry or unhappy. Sports or any vigorous physical activity can also be a terrific outlet for channelling and releasing feelings of anger and frustration.
The way you discipline children also models how you handle anger. If you go out of control when you're upset by your child's behaviour or actions, that's the adult behaviour they'll remember. But going to the extreme of not expressing what you're feeling is equally misleading. Instead, communicate your feeling in a firm tone to show that you mean business, and follow up with clear consequences for their misbehaviour. Your children will learn from this an effective way to modify how they express anger. Helping your children learn how to vent anger in a healthy way teaches them that all their feelings are important.
Excerpted from Raising Great Kids: Ages 6 to 12 by Christine Langlois. Copyright 1999 by Telemedia Communications Inc. Excerpted, with permission by Ballantine Books. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
