Marilyn Barnicke Belleghem, a registered marriage and family therapist, spills the beans on how to handle a secret and shares her tricks for when to tell, what to tell, and when to keep quiet.
1. Keep quiet.
The number one rule of secrets is: Don't tell. When a friend confides in you that she is pregnant, has lost her job or is having money troubles, keep quiet. No matter how tempting, do not break your promise of silence, Belleghem says. Spreading the word will destroy your trustworthiness and hurt your friendship.
2. Let them tell.
You can't always keep a secret, and sometimes you shouldn't. If someone tells you a secret that could harm someone's health or safety, it's time to spill. "If the secret is about a criminal offence or is life threatening, like he or she is planning suicide, tell your friend you cannot keep the promise and why," Belleghem says.
But before you blab, give your friend a chance to tell their secret themselves, she says. Advise your friend that you have to tell the secret and explain why, but then tell them you'll give them a certain amount of time to do it themselves. "That way you are not taking their power away," explains Belleghem.
3. If you must tell, ask first.
If you are privy to information you think someone ought to know, such as knowing your best friend's husband is having an affair, don't automatically blab, warns Belleghem. Sometimes people don't want to know the truth if it's going to hurt, she says.
The best course of action is to ask her if she wants to know something you suspect about her husband. If she says she doesn't, then keep quiet. If she says she does then tell her what you know but don't embellish. Just tell her what you suspect or presume.
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