Another separated friend who also co-parents slyly refers to this half-single life as the "dirty secret of divorce." I admit, it took a couple of years to unashamedly enjoy it. Like most mothers, I was conditioned to think any time away from my child was the tragic penalty I must pay for failing to stay married. It was a big step to grasp that it also gave me the incredible luxury -- barely remembered in many marriages, unfortunately -- of solitude, privacy and independence.
Parents are people too
Soon after I realized this I had a funny conversation with my daughter. She had phoned one evening and I was --shockingly! -- not home. She was indignant: "Where were you?" "I went out for dinner with friends," I explained, "and I came home late."
After an appalled silence, she asked, "You go out when I'm not there?"
"I'm sorry, honey," I said. "Do you want Mommy to sit all alone and not talk to anyone and maybe crawl into your basket with your sleep toys till you come back?" I knew this would make her laugh, and it did.
I still miss my daughter dreadfully some days, and once or twice a year I wake up to remember, "Oh yeah, right, this is how I live now."
But at the risk of revealing a well-kept secret, my double life, overall, is pretty good.
Need some emotional tips on coping with divorce? Read our advice here.
Ellen Vanstone is an award-winning journalist, editor and scriptwriter. She lives in Toronto.
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