Alyson Schafer is a Toronto-based mother and parenting coach who has a master's degree in counselling psychology. Her first book, Breaking the Good Mom Myth (Wiley Canada, 2006), looks at how mothering is influenced by our desire to keep up with society's -- and our own -- ideas of what a good mom is. Here, she tells CanadianLiving.com about pressures moms face and how to let go of them.
Q. What is the good mom myth?
A. The myths that surround being a good mom are reoccurring beliefs that mothers have that actually interfere with our parenting. For example, today we strive toward perfection in parenting, and think, "If I don't parent perfectly then my status and my worth will fall." The overall premise of the book is that our ego is invested in parenting and this undermines our efforts. We want to be perceived as being "good" moms and worry that we will look bad to others if we don't handle well, say, a child's tantrum in public. So long as we are concerned with our personal status, we obey whatever current cultural myth prevails, whether it is having a fat baby or one that sleeps well, because we don't want to look less than other mothers.
Q. Do you see this desire in fathers?
A. Yes, but the myths can be different. One myth that remains is that good dads are good providers; if you can't put food on the table and clothe the children, then you are not a real man, a good father. It's a terrible burden. There are men who are staying home and raising children, but they are still in the minority.
Q. How does our desire to do the right thing as moms hinder us?
A. We used to blow off kids' little fights but now we have a zero tolerance policy for any sort of tussling or aggressive behaviour. So the good mother thinks that it is her job to have a no-conflict home and it is her job to ensure her kids don't fight and love each other. So what does she do? She jumps in all the time, and by interfering in her kids' relationships she actually creates the very thing that she is trying to avoid: animosity. The difficulty of stepping into a kids' fight is that you see one child's participation -- one child is the aggressor, the instigator -- and that creates resentment between the two kids. So how do you overcome the feeling that you have to be the peacemaker all the time? Ignore your kids when they fight. It is their relationship to own, resolve the conflict and figure out how to cooperate. If you are going to get involved, make sure the consequences are equal, such as "I am turning off the TV because you are fighting over the converter. When you figure out how to get along I will come back and turn it on again."
Q. But it's tough for us to stand back and not jump into our kids' lives, isn't it?
A. Yes, it is, but we need to because we read many things into situations, such as "this person is a malicious little so-and-so." There is quite a lot of discussion in [my] book about why children misbehave and it is not because they are mean or trying to stick it to us, but they behave from a place of being discouraged; it is their solution to a problem they have such as the need for attention, power, or revenge.
Read about 5 ways to encourage peace in kids.
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