Q. You speak in the book about our self-worth as mothers being attached to our kids. One would think that with more women working outside the home that would have declined somewhat. Has it?
A. We are getting slightly better at not seeing our children as a reflection of our parenting ability, but we are not there yet. We still think that how well we are performing the task of mothering is based on the children that we are developing and helping to grow. If the child is good and well behaved, we have done a good job at mothering. The problem with this is that it doesn't allow for, or take into account, the individuality of children. That's why in the book I refer to children of parents who have this mindset as chattel. I want parents to think about this and say, "that's disgusting, my children are not my chattel." No, they are not; they are individuals and we cannot completely control them because they are their own people. Yes, we can influence children, but there is a limit to our influence and we need to recognize it. There are all sorts of mothers who have kids with behavioural problems that suffer terrible, terrible guilt. They want them diagnosed with something such as ADHD; to put a label on them so that they are not to blame.
Q. How can we break some of the myths that we are operating on?
A. Part of what that I am trying to get across is this idea that we need to appreciate that every human being is of worth; our worth and our kids' worth is not contingent upon performance. Whenever I have a parent who is having a hard time letting go, it comes down to their concern that they are going to reveal themselves as being inferior, incapable, less than other parents, yet that belief completely interferes with any positive parenting. When you realize your self-worth can't be changed or altered, it allows you to raise kids while respecting their individuality because you give up the need to be competitive and prove you have worth as a parent. It is a gift to yourself and a wonderful gift to pass on to your kids because it frees them up to fulfill their full potential.
Q. Is that what you would really like moms to take away from your book?
A. Yes, the idea of not striving to be perfect and not competing against some idea of how you should be parenting.
Kathryn Dorrell is the Family life editor at Canadian Living magazine.
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