Childhood friendships

Making friends is an important social skill for children in the six- to twelve-year-old age group to develop as they try to fit comfortably into their environment and into the general society. At about six, children begin forming more complex relationships. They've learned to be more cooperative and less aggressive in their play, and they're better able to put their ideas and feelings into words. At the same time, they're ready to start looking for more support and companionship outside of the family.

It's also at the age of six that differences between the sexes become more apparent. Boys want to play mostly with boys, and girls with girls. There's also a difference in the styles of friendship. Girls tend to have closer, longer-lasting relationships with a few other girls. As they grow older, they're more likely to exclude others from their circle of friends. Boys may have intense friendships with one or two other boys but also have a wider circle that changes and shifts rapidly.

How friendships form
Children are drawn to each other for reasons they may be unaware of. A child's friends tend to share characteristics that the child has or admires. They also tend to have similar temperaments and styles of play. Children who prefer active games are more likely to stick together, while common interests such as music or hobbies can lead other children to a close bond. That need for similarity explains why childhood friendships are sometimes intense but short-lived.

What kids need or want in friendship is complex, says Linda Rose-Kintner of McMaster University in Hamilton, Ontario, and sometimes opposites attract. As the child grows and his needs and interests change, so may his friendships. Although the children don't realize it, their parents also play a role. Dr. Rose-Kintner's studies show that children tend to hang out with others who share their parents' core values. But what's important is the strength of the relationship their parents form with them, which gives them the ability to form other lasting relationships.

You can help foster friendships by providing a welcoming home for your child's friends. Let your children know it's alright to bring their pals over. Resist the temptation to complain about their music, and don't intrude too much on their games. Have snack food on hand. Welcoming kids to your home has a couple of advantages: It gives you a chance to get to know your children's friends and their parents. That's important to give you early warning of potentially troublesome relationships. If your children feel comfortable bringing their friends home when they're young, the foundation will be laid for the teen years. Although they'll want more independence then, they'll still feel comfortable hanging out at home with their friends.

Best friends
While friendships may change often, it's also common for a child to have a best friend. These two usually share the same interests and the same view of the world, and they rely on each other for approval and companionship. They are truly kindred spirits, as Anne of Green Gables says. Don't worry that by spending time with one best friend your child is missing out on relationships with other kids. Most experts agree that a special close friendship is good for kids, as long as the two have a basically positive influence on each other.

Multi-age friendships
Children tend to hang out with others their own age, but sometimes they can form a close bond with a child who is several years older or younger. The age discrepancy may cause some parents to feel uncomfortable, but it's not necessarily anything to worry about. In today's smaller families, few children get to know children of different ages as they did in the larger families of the past, so the relationship may be beneficial. However, it's important to monitor it to be sure that the older child doesn't take advantage of the younger one. If your child is the older one in the relationship, encourage her to continue her relationship with others closer to her own age, and ensure that she isn't escaping from problems with her peers. If the friendship between children of different ages is a smooth and constructive one, don't worry about it.