Do you buy too many things for the kids?

Admittedly, adults are not going to like the way children hear what we have to say. "Damn it all," we insist, "I have the kid's best interest at heart! If I don't say those things, what should I say?" The problem is that each of the above adults' statements needs to be said. Each shows love, compassion, and the sincere desire to guide children into adulthood. And each can be helpful when the child really believes the adult means well. However, when there is tension in these relationships, a different way of expressing ourselves is going to be needed.

Getting a conversation going with our children is easier when we recognize their need to take risks and the advantage they get from doing so. For example:

What we say
It means a lot to me when you are happy. What makes you happy? What about your life is working for you
What the child hears
I'm comfortable expressing myself. I want to understand your world and how it works. I want to avoid judgment. I don't really know much about your life. I need you to tell me how it works

What we say
I know you have been good at finding what you need yourself. If there is anything that you need that you still can't find, please let me know and I'll help you get it.
What the child hears
If you need me I'm here for you. Tell me how I can help. I know you are competent and can do things for yourself.

What we say
What are your friends like? What about them has made you choose them as your friends? Do you think I'd like them if I met them?
What the child hears
I want to hear about your friends and what in particular you like about them. I want to open up the possibility of meeting them, but you can decide if that's a good idea or not.

What we say
School is important. So is going to college or university. It's meant a lot in my life getting or not getting enough education. Do you have an idea of how going to school, or not going to school, is going to make a difference in your life.
What the child hears
You are growing up and making decisions that have long-term consequences, like they did for me. I have given education a lot of thought and hope you do to. But I also want to understand what education means to you. Is it important? Will it make a difference in your life at all?

What we say
Your body is your own body. It can have a lot of different feelings. It's all right to express these. It's okay to have thoughts and feelings that are sexual. I hope you are able to find ways to express yourself in ways that make you feel comfortable. I also want you to know you can come and talk to me if something happens that makes you feel uncomfortable about your body or how others treat you.
What the child hears
You have a sexuality. I know you will express that somehow. I want you to have a positive experience of those thoughts and feelings, and I'm there to help you if you get into trouble in your relationships.

Are you forgetting to teach the kids table manners? Take this quiz to see if you're accidentally raising a fussy eater.

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Excerpted from Too safe for their own good by Michael Ungar. Copyright 2007 by Michael Ungar. Excerpted by permission of McClelland & Stewart. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.